If only this had been…
by Cybrind
Summary: This is inspired by an in-game dialogue between Bann Teagan Guerrin and a female human mage. This story touches on what might have happened in between quests rather than to rehash quests, although I do touch on quests as the story unfolds.
1. Chapter 1

Leliana smiles patiently and lifts the man's elbow. "Try again. This time I want you to exhale slowly when you release." Her beauty, accent and soft touch unravel the man. He stutters his thanks and tries again.

Solona stands in the shadows out of the heat of the midday sun. These poor people of Redcliffe have been haunted by monsters. What that entails she will find out at sundown. She shivers. Abominations, darkspawn, demons… these things she has fought and won, but the unknown has her heart in a vise grip. Dread threatens to wash over her and sweep her away. She sighs heavily.

A glint of light flashes catching her attention. She can see the knights far above the town near the mill heatedly debating tonight's plans with Alistair and with the ever stoic Sten watching presumably silently. Solona chuckles while imagining their conversation in her mind. Alistair's quirky dry humor will likely not go over well with the knights. Sten is undoubtedly causing unrest with his mere presence.

Solona shivers. She can feel his presence before seeing him. "Tell me what has you smiling so deliciously?" His voice is so close, too close.  
>She laughs and shakes her head. "Nothing, Zev." Solona glances at him fighting the urge to step away. His lack of personal boundaries tests her at their every encounter. "Alistair is talking with the knights of Redcliffe. I just…" Solona shrugs weakly.<p>

Zevran chuckles and joins her watching the glimmering shapes as they move around up on the far hill. "Ah, I'm sure his charm is winning us many allies. Truly, I should perhaps save him from himself, yes?"

"Thanks, Zev." Her voice trails off. His eyes are on her again. It is so unnerving.

"Something troubles you?" Zevran quirks an eyebrow.

Solona lowers her voice as if the man across the courtyard can hear her. "Nothing, it's really nothing. I should be used to this by now."

Zevran follows where her gaze was moments ago and stares hard at Murdock. The man bristles and turns his attention to a man standing near him. "Shall I speak with him first?" Zevran fingers his dagger, his intent clear.

"Zev!" Solona shakes her head. "I would simply have to heal him with my magics and cause the man even more troubling thoughts." She puts her hand gently on his arm to stay his hand. "I appreciate the offer, perhaps your talents can be of more use with Alastair and Sten up the hill."

Zevran inclines his head in a semi-bow. "It will be my pleasure… or it could be yours." He chuckles before slipping away presumably towards the mill.

Mayor Murdock glances in her direction for what seems to be the hundredth time in the past twenty minutes, leery about having a mage around. She sighs softly. Such looks should mean nothing to her. She's been a mage her whole life. Raised in the circle, templars gave her that same look daily and they've known her for years. Yet the mistrust and fear is hard to ignore. She's trying to help these people yet still she is watched as if _she _is the monster. She swallows hard and steps back in to the chantry leaving the others to do what they could for the town. The last thing she wants right now is to lose her temper.

Solona shivers as the coolness of the chantry envelopes her. The dark cool of the building is welcoming compared to the harsh sticky heat of the outdoors. Solona hears the wailing and tears, the hushed voices and panic. Their fear is so tangible it starts to wear on her nerves._ Is there no escape?_

Her eyes slowly adjust to the darkness of the room. Her feet propel her forward of their own accord. She stops not realizing why and smiles shyly. Bann Teagan stands at the front of the chantry waiting calmly, watching her with interest, a smile tugs at his mouth. "How goes the preparations?"

"As well as can be expected, I suppose." She fights to control her hands. Her nervous wringing is so unbecoming. She grips her hands together and swallows hard. _Discipline. _Her heart is beating so hard, she is sure he can hear it yet he makes no comment about it. What is it about this man that has her so flustered? They just met hours ago for the first time. Upon hearing his plight she readily agreed to help him before he was even able to tell them all of their troubles. This is so unlike her. Granted she helps anyone she can, she's a spirit healer after all. There is something about this man that calls to her. _Nonsense. _

"Is there anything I can do for you?" Teagan's voice lowers gently. Her eyes are mesmerized by his lips as he speaks. He smiles, her heart flutters.

_Hold me?_ Her eyes lift to meet his. She shivers. "I'm… no. I don't suppose… no." She lowers her gaze and stares at her hands. "My apologies. I find myself hiding at the moment. Not very brave of me, I know. It's just the outside world is a bit overwhelming at times. With the darkspawn, sky, people, noises, strangers, demons… did mention the sky?"  
>"I'm afraid I don't understand." His brow furrows. "You are a Grey Warden. Fighting darkspawn… it's what you do."<p>

"Yes, I fight darkspawn which is frightening on its own. Add in the fact I've been taken from my home to do just that. Taken from everything I know and love." Solona braces herself and sighs softly. Her arms cross and she holds her arms in a self embrace. "I'm not making much sense I suppose. As you've most certainly noticed by now, I am a Circle mage. I've lived in the tower for as long as I can remember." She steals a glance at him, mentally bracing her self for the usual reaction of hate and fear, yet finds none. Instead she is greeted with an understanding or at least a sympathetic smile.

"I see. And how long have you been away from the tower?" He motions her towards a bench and she follows gladly.

"What month is it?" She sits gracefully on the bench, folding her hands on her lap.

"You're serious?" He peers at her skeptically.

"Mostly, it has been a year since Ostagar fell. I was taken from the tower by Duncan a month or so prior." She shudders at the memories. "I was conscripted. This life I find myself in… it isn't by choice."

"Do you miss it? The tower, the people?" Teagan takes a seat beside her.

"It is all I knew," Solona shrugs her slender shoulders and nervously brushes her hair behind her ear. "Some consider it a prison, I called it home."

"What of family?" Teagan prompts.

"The people of the tower are my family. I had a mother and father once. I suppose it's possible that I still do. I do not know them and they are not to acknowledge me or even my existence." She lifts her gaze to his again and smiles noting the concern in his eyes. "It isn't so bad really. I was only four when I was taken and you cannot miss what you didn't know you had."

"So young? I had no idea they would take children away at such a tender age." He tilts his head in contemplation, listening to her.

"Any child at any age that shows signs of magical aptitude is taken and sheltered at the Circle." Her brow furrows. "Odd that I have no memory of parents, yet I remember the day they came for me. There was an animal in pain and I was compelled to heal it." She slowly shakes her head back and forth lost in her memory. "I didn't even know what I was doing, I only knew the beast was hurt and I could make it feel better. The templar that came swept me up in his arms and I…" Solona laughs, though the sound is a bit hollow even to her own ears. "You can't really be interested in this, can you?"

"I confess. I find that I am. Is that so bad?" He grins that disarming smile of his and she feels her cheeks warm with color.

"No, I don't mind." Solona tilts her head, "I felt templar came to take away the cursed child yet I never felt safer than I did at that moment." As much as she fought it, her mind turns to her favorite templar. Her heart aches at the thought of him, her first love. She swallows back the pain and memory of their last parting and turns her attention back to the present. "And you? Do you have any family?"

Teagan shrugs. "You know Eamon is my older brother, we also had a sister, Rowan."

She tilts her head. "What is it like to grow up with a family?"

Teagan opens his mouth to speak and hesitates. "I…" He chuckles. "I never really gave it much thought. It simply is."

"I'd have to disagree, Ser. It isn't so simple. Not for one such as myself." Their eyes lock before Solona lowers hers. _Mercy._ "Was it lonely having so few around you, only a mother, father and siblings?"

Teagan shakes his head. "Oh there were servants and a whole village filled with people. Not to forget neighboring towns. I don't suppose it was that much different than what you experienced."

Her eyebrows rise in amusement. "That couldn't be farther than the truth, Ser. You had parents. I had instructors and the First Enchanter. You had siblings, I had other mages. I was confined to live my life within an enclosed tower with no windows. You had a castle and a village to come and go when you pleased. While I grant you, guards aren't necessarily so different than templars. Guards are not taught how to utterly stun and drain a mage of their powers. Yet the true exception is guards are there to protect you from others, while templars are there to protect others…" Her voice hitches, "from me."

"I am corrected, my lady. You are quite right, the two are nothing alike." His eyes search her face. "Ah, to be a templar assigned to watch you… it might be worth being locked in the tower."

She laughs. "Ah the forbidden, such is the wants of men." Her eyes widen momentarily, her hand flies to her mouth horrified. "Oh…" She cringes and turns her head. "I've apparently spent too many nights listening to the Antivan Crow and Orlesian bard. I've apparently lost all sense of decency."

He places his hand under her chin and turns her to face him. His eyes dance with amusement. "Remind me to thank them."

Solona gasps at the nearness of him. She swoons closer to him her heart races, pounding in her chest. _Kiss me._ Her voice wavers. "Will my embarrassment know no end?"

"Perhaps we should turn the conversation to safer ground?" His thumb caresses her jaw before releasing her. "To answer an old question, growing up with a family has its own troubles and rewards. Each family is different with their own issues. It is what you do with your life that matters."

"What about… others…" Solona bites her lip. "Do you have… a…"

"Others?" Teagan sits up startled. "Oh… you mean, am I married?_" Please say no_. " I… no. No, I've never had the pleasure. If I did, I'd be lucky to find a woman as lovely as yourself."

Solona can feel her cheeks warm. The color is most certainly a deeper red if that is at all possible. "Such flattery." She giggles nervously. _Andraste's flaming arse, a giggle?_

Teagan leans a bit closer to her. His shoulder touching hers. "If I may be so bold, what of you, my lady? Are you married?"

"Me?" Solona's hand flies to her lips as a squeak of surprise escapes her. He chuckles at her embarrassment. "No, no I'm not." Her mind flashes with memories of her forbidden lost love. _Oh Cullen, if only… _she shakes her head. _No, _if only_ is an endless lonely road to travel._

"I find that hard to believe. Surely, that is a crime somewhere." Teagan takes her hand in his and gives it a gentle squeeze. He glances behind her. "But I am too bold, my lady. This is hardly the time for such… banter. Please accept my apology."

Solona looks at him in confusion. "For what?" Her hand still in his, she looks down at their hands finding it oddly comforting. "I am not offended."

"You're too kind, my lady, amongst many other things." Teagan holds her gaze, lifts her hand to his lips, kissing the back gently before releasing it.

Her heart skips a beat and races to catch up. "Oh my…" She places her hand back on her lap. The back of her hand still tingles where his lips touched. "I should probably…"

"There you are." The all too familiar voice comes from behind her.

_Too late._ Solona visibly cringes as Teagan slips away distancing himself. His voice is instantly cordial and business. "What news, Alistair?"

"We are as ready as we're going to be. Your knights are up by the mill and your militia will stand their ground and protect the village if any manage to slip past us." Alistair glances at Solona. "You will be joining us, wont you… Sol?"

"Of course." Her left hand gently touches the back of her right. Solona avoids making eye contact with anyone. "My healing will be needed. I'm sure Wynne can handle things in the village while we take care of the monsters by the mill."

"Right…" Alistair looks from Teagan back to Solona. "Night approaches, we need to go, Sol." He gives Teagan a curt nod and turns on his heel heading towards the door expecting her to follow.

"I'll be there in a moment." Alistair hesitates. "I would like to speak with the revered mother before I go."

Alistair gives Solona a nod and moves on. She sighs softly. "If I manage to live thirty more years, I still will not understand that man."

"He's rather protective of you." Teagan watches Alistair leave the chantry giving them a backwards glance. "He's also rather taken with you."

"Taken? Alistair?" Solona blinks up at him stunned. She shakes her head slowly. "That can't be right. We are friends, nothing more. I have never once implied any interest in him otherwise."

Teagan grins at her. "Were you nice to him?"

"Naturally. He is a fellow warden and a friend." Solona stands and moves towards the center of the room closer to Teagan on her way to speak with the revered mother.

"Then he thinks there is hope." Teagan chuckles at the shocked look she gives. "Men are much simpler beings than you can imagine. A soft touch on the arm as you pass, a smile, a laugh… any one of these simple innocent acts will nurture hope within a man's heart."

"So you should stop being… me." Solona sighs heavily. "I do not wish to hurt the man, yet I also have no intention of allowing him to believe something that is only real in his mind."  
>Teagan's hand slips to her lower back as he escorts her towards the revered mother. "Perhaps tonight is not the appropriate time for brutal honesty. He is about to face horrific monsters."<p>

"And any other night, he faces darkspawn, demons and abominations. Tonight is no different for a Grey Warden." She shivers very aware of his closeness. "Maker be with you, Ser."

"Maker be with us all, my lady." Teagan backs away from her and takes up his post once more at the head of the chantry.

* * *

><p>The sun was setting by the time Solona made her way to the mill. She stayed in the background away from the knights and fighters. She kept unusually quiet and simply watched. The mannerisms of the men when they forgot she was there was vulgar, garish yet mildly entertaining.<p>

An eerie mist originates from the castle walls, followed by a green haze, twinkling lights dancing and a horrid screeching howl. "They're coming!" Ser Perth, the knight captain readies his sword. "Prepare to light the fire!"

Solona watches in fascination as the archer's arrow is lit aflame. "Fire!" He aims a bit high and let the arrow soar through the dark sky. It hit its mark perfectly. The oil bursts to life, burning brightly as the flames lick hungrily at the sky. Monsters did indeed come. They burn in the fire as they cross the barriers weakening them, yet they come. Knights hack at their limbs and torsos. Sten lobs more than a few heads and still they come. The night becomes a blur of fire, healing and killing.

"Sol!" Leliana waves for her. She casts a rejuvenation spell upon Ser Perth and runs to her side.

"What's wrong?" Solona feels her power waning. How many more of these monsters are there?

"They're coming from the water! The village is over run, we need you." Leliana runs back to the village leaving her standing there.

"But…" She turns back to the knights hesitating. She takes a deep breath and runs to Morrigan's side. "I know you aren't a healer, but you can heal... please... please watch over these men."

Morrigan throws another arcane bolt and pauses to stare at her. "What is it? What's wrong?"

"I don't know. They are asking for my aide below. Something must have happened to Wynne. Please just-"

"Go!" Morrigan pushes her away. "Go on."

Solona takes one last look at them and nods. She turns on her heel and heads for the bridge. A lone howl stops her cold. _Cully!_ She lifts her robe to ease her movements and runs. Her hair is loose and flowing behind her. She must look a sight, running with her robe hitched tears streaking down her cheeks over a mabari war hound no less.

The mayor or perhaps it was Teagan had decided the militia would stand their ground in an open patch just before the chantry. A lone bonfire burns brightly in the night air giving sight to the monsters and their distorted faces.

She pauses long enough to take in the situation yet questions still churn in her mind. _Where is Wynne? Where is Cully? _Leliana stands in the shadows of the chantry stoop, plucking arrows skillfully at the monsters yet they still come. Zevran slips between the monsters slicing and hacking yet still they come. Solona didn't hesitate any longer. She focuses her attention on the fire raging before her, the chant spilling from her lips before she releases a mass paralysis stilling the beasts for a time. Time is what she needs, heal after heal for the militia as well as her own companions. She feels the drain on her yet she refuses to stop. Bodies are strewn across the area cast in shadow so she has no idea if they are human or monster. _Where is Teagan?_

Her heart lurches. Could he be one of the slain? She takes a deep breath and continues on. She can hear Wynne and her ever present sage advice chiding her in her mind. She is a Grey Warden. She is fighting for Ferelden. She has no time for men and their whims. Love is not for her. She is not meant for a normal life. She growls deeply at the injustice of it all and releases a lightening bolt of frustration, pain and anger. The monster staggers and falls to the ground before her.


	2. Chapter 2

The pounding of plate armor against wooden floorboards echoes in her ears. She tries desperately to sit up yet lacks the strength to do so. Any reserved strength and magic left her when the sun rose. "Shhh… you'll be alright." Leliana coos at Solona, brushing her hair from her eyes with care and concern.

Solona smiles weakly up at her dear friend as Leliana cradles her head in her lap. Soon Alistair is hovering over her as he kneels beside them. "You're alive!"

"You always say that as if it is such a surprise." Solona sees the strain around his eyes. Her voice is soft and weak. "Stop fretting. I'm fine, just a bit weak. I'll be up shortly. I simply needed to catch my breath."

"I'll get Wynne…" Alistair begins to rise when her hand on his stops him.

_No!_ "No, she's busy with others. I'm fine, really." She tugs on his hand gently and he helps her sit up. She over extended herself. It's a dangerous thing for a mage to do but she felt she had no choice. "Thank you." Still too weak to stand, she leans against Leliana wearily. "How many survived?"

"The easier question is how many did we lose. Thanks to your efforts-"

_What?_ "I wasn't alone. Wynne and Morrigan were healing as well and let us not forget skilled fighting from many." Solona quickly reminds him.

"True. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply…" Alistair stumbles over his words. "It isn't that they weren't helpful. I mean, they were… they are! It's just…"

_Patience._ "How many did we lose?" Solona tries to stop his rambling. As awkward as she is with men, it always surprises her how much more awkward Alistair is around _anyone_.

"Just one." Alistair grins proudly. Her heart aches. _Please don't let it be Teagan. _"He was a thug anyway, no big loss. Dwyn isn't too happy but all in all, it worked out for the best."

While she admonishes herself for the relief she feels, she can't help the joy that wash over her. Solona closes her eyes in relief. _Teagan lives. _Alistair misreads her reaction and reaches out for her, taking her hand in his. "Hey, don't feel bad. It was only one in a village of hundreds. This should be celebrated, not mourned."

Solona takes a shaky breath and nods. "Yes, of course." She looks up at Alistair. "Would you be so kind as to get me some water?"

"Right away." Alistair moves to get the water only to be held by Leliana this time. "Hmm?"

"She won't ask for it, but she could use a bite to eat and some lyrium if there is any to spare." Solona moves to object only to be stopped by Leliana. "Don't argue with me. Grey Warden or no, I will take care of you."

Solona chuckles and slowly sits upright. She feels like a mess. She combs her fingers through her hair grimacing lightly at the effort. Her hands slide down her thighs straightening her robe. She pauses with the familiar feeling of eyes upon her. She looks across the room wearily. Mayor Murdock gives her a nod and a half smile, bristles and turns to speak with anyone nearby. She smiles softly and shakes her head slowly. Well one less frightened villager, that is a start at least. _Progress._

The chantry doors open. The sunshine peeks through and the stench of fire and death sweep in along with it. Solona cringes and turns her head. She covers her nose and mouth with her hand holding her breath until the door closes. "How unpleasant."

Leliana smirks. "Almost as bad as darkspawn, no?"

Solona chuckles. "Yes." A cold wet nose nudges her arm. "Cully!" She throws her arms around Cully holding him tight. He lays his head on her shoulder and waits patiently to be released from her grip. "I thought I'd lost you. You naughty boy, where have you been?"

Cully huffs and she chuckles. "No, of course I'm not angry with you. I'm just relieved you're back." She closes her eyes and sighs deeply. "Ugh, where have you been? Maker, boy, you need a bath!"

"He's been with me. I hope you don't mind. Everyone else was busy tending to wounded or burning corpses. I dared not pull anyone else away to do a perimeter check with me." He smiles down at her confidently.

"I don't mind at all, Bann Teagan." Her heart skips a beat at the sound of his voice. Solona smiles up at him and scratches Cully behind the ear. "Although you could have bathed him before returning him to me." She groans. "And now I smell like dog. I need a bath."

Cully snorts and nudges her playfully. "Blasted beast." Solona hugs Cully again chuckling. "You once spoke of family, Ser. This smelly beast is my family."

"Hey…" Leliana pouts with her full lips looking so pitiable it causes Solona to smile.

"You are my dearest of friends, Leliana. Of that there is no question." Cully barks happily in agreement and both girls laugh. Solona struggles to gain her feet. Teagan approaches and takes her by the elbow helping her stand. "Thank you." She tugs Cully's collar and nods towards the door. Cully huffs and saunters away. She smiles tiredly at Leliana before announcing her intent. "Our camp is too far. Besides I dread the thought of bathing in the frigid river. I'll be at the inn if anyone needs me."

"What about your food?" Leliana stands to walk with her.

She wrinkles her nose. "I doubt I could stomach anything Alistair brings." Solona waves her off. "I just need a hot bath… Maker knows a tepid bath would even do right now." She nods to both Teagan and Leliana and makes for the door and her escape.

Prying the door open she steels herself for the heat, humidity and stench. Cully slips out of the door and she soon follows. With a stiff breeze from the water, the stench is lessening by the hour. The sun is almost at its highest and the heat is already unbearable. "Come on, Cully." _I need distance._

Solona doesn't get more than a dozen steps before the door opens behind her. She doesn't falter, she keeps moving towards the inn. Each step takes her farther away from temptation. Each step is more difficult than the last. "My lady?"

Her breath hitches. Her heart skips a beat. The sudden warmth in the pit of her stomach has nothing to do with the heat of the day. "Friends call me Sol." Solona turns and smiles up at him. "Would you be so inclined to do the same?" _Maker, he's handsome._

"It would be an honor indeed." He walks to her and grins, bowing his head in agreement. "Would it be too much to ask you to call me Teagan?" He takes her by the elbow and escorts her towards the inn.

"Not at all." Solona slips her elbow from his grasp and wraps her hand in the crook of his arm. She slows her pace forcing him to slow his to match hers. "Is there something I can do for you, Se- erm… Teagan?"

"You'll allow me to see you to the inn." It was a statement, not a request. _Naturally._ Solona simply inclines her head in agreement and they walk for a while in comfortable silence followed by the ever panting Cully. "There will be a ceremony of sorts. Mother Hannah insists upon it. Afterwards I would have you and Alistair meet me back at the mill." Teagan glances at her as if he has more to say yet refrains.

Solona pauses at the inn door and takes a breath. _End it. _"I feel I must apologize." She looks up at him and looks away quickly. _Don't look at him._ "It is difficult what I must say yet it must be said."

"Sol…" Teagan places a finger under her chin lifting her face to his. Her breath catches at his nearness. He lowers his lips to hers kissing her gently. She leans in to him wishing she could simply lose herself in him but she dares not. His lips are firm yet gentle, passionate yet chaste, his tongue flicks at her lips as if asking for permission. Solona moans. Her lips part and he wraps his arms around her, pulling her close, their kiss deepens.

Teagan moans against her lips. _Oh, Maker, yes!_ Solona shivers. Her hands slip up his arms to wrap in to his hair. Still their kiss deepens. _Wait, no._ She pulls away reluctantly. Her breasts heaving with each labored breath. He leans his forehead against the top of her head breathing as heavily as she is. His deep voice lowers. "I'm sorry… I shouldn't have."

_Maker forgive me, I want more._ Solona closes her eyes tightly. "This only makes it more difficult for me." She steps away from him feeling her world crumbling around her. _End it now._ "I need to make this perfectly clear before I allow my emotions to go any further than they are already attempting to go." Her voice cracks with emotions. "I find that in such a short time, I have grown rather fond of you and I can't allow this."

"Sol-"

"Please." _Love me._ Solona interrupts him. "This is hard enough for me. I'd prefer to speak before I change my mind." Teagan nods and remains quiet. She finds she can't look at him and stares at her hands instead. "I am a Grey Warden. It is my duty to face the darkspawn and slay the archdemon. The chances of my survival is not very high seeing how there is currently only two wardens in all of Ferelden." Teagan shifts his weight biting back his words. _I'm sorry._ "Even so I find myself highly attracted to you." _Don't say that._ "Within the span of an afternoon I find myself wishing to spend more time with you. Of having the opportunity to be… courted… by you and I can't allow these distractions." _No. Don't say it._ "These thoughts, these hopes… they are not for someone like me. You are a good man, Teagan. There can never be a future for us." She cringes at her own words. _Just take me._ Her eyes fill with tears that threaten to fall. Her heart aches for him.

Teagan takes her hand in his. Solona lifts her eyes to gaze at his handsome face. He lifts her hand to his lips. She cups his face in her palm and once again he lowers his lips to hers. _Make me forget._ This time there is no rush in their kiss. His kiss is gentle and longing. His breath is warm as it brushes her face. "If only this had been…" His words drop unspoken.

"I am going inside now. I need to clear my head. If you… I wish…" Her words hitch and stall. Solona turns on her heel running in to the inn. Her tears flow freely burning a path down her cheeks.

* * *

><p><em>I'm so pathetic.<em> Even now, soaking in the tub she longs for him. She closes her eyes longing to be free from duty, to live the life of a normal woman by his side. Things that will never come to pass. That path was taken from her so long ago. Even if she were not a Grey Warden she is still a mage. Teagan deserves a woman that can love him freely and fully. He needs someone that is whole, not tainted and cursed. She closes her eyes tightly. Tears stinging her eyes still fall of their own accord.

A soft hesitant knock comes from the door. Solona sits up quickly, the water sloshes in the tub. "Y-yes?"

The door opens a crack. "Sol?" That familiar voice sends a shock of horror ripping through her. _Why?_

"Wait! I'm in the tub." Her voice raises an octave as panic settles in her belly.

"Oh! Uh, hmmm… I have food and erm… well, I suppose…" Alistair hesitates at the door.

This is Alistair. What is she afraid of? Solona chuckles and shakes her head. "There is a privacy-blind. Providing you can remember you're a gentleman, you can set my food on the small table if you like."

The candles that are lit are on the other side of the blind casting a shadow for her to watch. He hesitantly pokes his head in and steps quickly to the table. She rests her head on the side of the tub watching him. Alistair sets things down and turns to leave. Even her voice is tired. "Thanks, Alistair."

Alistair stiffens, refusing to turn around. "You're… erm, no problem." Upon reaching the door he hesitates. "There is some presentation or ceremony… I'm not sure the purpose or point of it, but they asked if we could be there in a couple of hours. Oh and Leliana sent a bag of… well, I don't know. She just asked if I'd bring that along, too."

Solona sighs heavily. "Okay."

Still with his back to her, he finds it difficult to leave even though every fiber of his being is screaming to leave. "Are you okay?"

Solona hesitates._ No._ She closes her eyes and lies. "Yes. I'm fine. I'll be out in a bit."

"Alright then." Alistair slips out and closes the door quickly behind him.

Solona smiles softly at her good fortune that it was him bringing her food and not Zevran. Leliana sent a bag? She sent Alistair. Hmm… not a coincidence it wasn't Zevran. She chuckles making a mental not to thank her. The idea of food strikes her. Her stomach grumbles loudly. She is truly exhausted and hungry. Yet she has no time for rest and food. One will have to wait in favor of the other. Stepping out of the bath she wraps a cloth around her just as another muted knock comes. This one is not hesitant simply quiet. "Yes?" _Please._

The door opens and she stiffens. The shadowy form enters quietly and closes the door. The form is broad like a man. Her heart leaps. _Is it?_ "I apologize for my arrival. I waited for Alistair to leave."

Solona bites her lip as a soft whimper escapes her. "Teagan…"

Teagan walks around the partition and pauses. "Maker's breath…" He cups her face in his hands, claiming her lips. She leans in to him pressing her wet frame to his, shivering at his touch. His hands travel down her sides to wrap around her, pulling her ever closer. He groans as their lips part. "Tell me to go, Sol… I cannot find it in me to leave. I have no right to be here yet there is no where else I want to be. How can the Maker bring us together only to show me what I want yet cannot have?"

Her body is shaking with fear and excitement. Her belly is in knots and she closes her eyes. "They say the Maker has a sense of humor yet I find none in this." _Scandalous._ "Teagan, you know I must leave to fight the blight yet I find I cannot fight what my heart tells me nor do I wish to."

"Sol-"

Solona cuts off his words with her lips, kissing him passionately and freely. She releases the cloth she has wrapped around her body allowing it drop to the floor leaving her fully exposed for his viewing. She shivers with pleasure at the hunger in his eyes. Her voice is husky. "When my time comes and the Maker calls me home. I want to have known you fully and intimately and I will go with no regrets."

Teagan's strong calloused hands caress her body, lifting her in his arms to carry her to the bed. He lays her down gently their gaze never breaking. "It has been many years for me…" His voice wavers slightly.

"I have… never…" She gasps as his lips touch her body. He stops and looks at her with earnest.

"Never?" He gently brushes her hair from her forehead. She shakes her head not trusting her voice. He nods in understanding. "I will endeavor to be gentle with you though I make no promises."

Solona smiles up at him nervously. "I ask for none."

* * *

><p>Mother Hannah drones on. Her voice is an annoying buzz in the background of her thoughts. Solona keeps her eyes lowered and away from Teagan. She feels renewed and exhausted at the same time. More than anything, she feels alive. "Blessed are those..." Solona steals a glance at Teagan. He stands so strong and tall. He shifts his weight. She watches his muscles flex. The familiar twinge in her belly is sparked.<p>

"You look quite happy." Leliana leans over and whispers to her. "If I didn't know better..." She grins at her while Solona remains quiet.

Teagan moves towards her and her companions. "If you would, I need to speak with you and Alistair up at the mill." He turns on his heel and walks away quickly. She tilts her head and watches him.

Alistair frowns. "What was that about?"

"I'm sure I don't know." Solona shrugs a shoulder. "I suppose we can go to the mill and find out." Before moving she turns to Leliana and takes her hand giving it a soft squeeze. Leliana smiles at her. "Okay, let's go."

The two walk silently, as silently as a plate wearing templar-warden can while walking up a hard packed dirt path. Her soft soled leather boots make no sound on the path. Her robe softly swishes around her ankles. He pauses at the middle of the bridge. Solona looks up at him quizzically. "Are you okay?"

"I feel like I'm being summoned to the Grand Cleric's office. I'm trying to figure out what I did wrong." He gives her a sheepish grin and she laughs. "Sol..." _Uh-oh._ "Have you ever-"

Solona lowers her voice. "You know we aren't alone." He frowns and looks around confused.

"Such a shame… he was going to profess his undying love." Zevran's disconnected voice speaks to them as he stealthily brushes past Alistair chuckling.

Solona hisses disapprovingly at Zevran. Leliana's voice follows. "Don't be so mean. Alistair is nice. I little misguided perhaps, but nice." Leliana pats Alistair's arm as she brushes past following Zevran to the mill.

"Great." Alistair sounds so dejected. He continues down the path behind the rogues brooding in silence dragging his feet causing his boots to sound heavier with each step.

Solona takes a moment to catch her breath. She follows at a safe distance behind the dust Alistair kicks up lost in her thoughts. She follows Alistair without looking where they are just allowing him to lead for once. The path gives to grass, some areas are charred and burned, the stench of oil and flesh still linger. She notes a second shadow and looks up at Teagan. He stands with his back to them staring up at the castle. "It looks so peaceful. It's hard to imagine anyone still lives…" His voice trails off refusing to give voice to his doubts and fears. She fights the urge to hold him, to reassure him, to comfort him.

Alistair clears his throat and Teagan turns. "Right then," he takes a deep breath and grins briefly at them both. "I have a plan to get in to the castle. There is a secret entrance from this mill that leads to the dungeon. The path is locked but it can be opened with-"

Alistair bristles. "Why didn't you tell us before? We could have been in there saving the Arl-"

"And leave the village to their fate?" Solona touches Alistair's arm and shakes her head. "You couldn't do that any more than Teagan could. Besides, you'd have gone without me and a few of the others if you'd been mule headed enough to try it." Alistair grumbles incoherently. Solona rolls her eyes before turning her attention back to Teagan. "Sorry, you were saying?"

"I… Maker! Isolde?" Teagan turns his attention to the newcomers. A woman and a guard come running up to them.

Solona's eyes widen briefly at the name he utters. _So, this is Isolde._ "Teagan!" Isolde pushes the guard aside impatiently. Solona's eyes narrow. "Teagan, I need you to come with me."

"Oh thank the Maker you're safe. We didn't think anyone survived with all those creatures-" Teagan visibly relaxes.

"Teagan, I don't know how much time I have, I need you to come with me." Isolde paws at his arm trying to coax him into joining her in the castle.

Solona's stomach is instantly in knots. _Deception?_ "What of the Arl? Is he safe?"

Isolde stiffens and turns to her. "Yes, he is being kept alive." She hedges and turns back to Teagan. "Please, Teagan."

The knots in Solona's stomach tighten. _She's hiding something._ "Being kept alive… by whom, by what?" Solona shakes her head. "She knows something that she isn't saying…"

Isolde once more turns her anger on to Solona. "I beg your pardon!"

Solona opens her mouth to speak. The tightness in her jaw shows her annoyance. Teagan steps forward quickly. Their eyes meet. Teagan's eyes plead silently with her. Solona relents and gives a small nod. His look softens.

"You remember me, Lady Isolde." Alistair interjects.

"Alistair." The sheer venom she puts in that one word brings a shiver to Solona. _Shut up! _The more the woman speaks the less she likes her. This is the woman whose jealousy sent Alistair away to the chantry. Solona is having a difficult time separating the past that is not even hers with the present. "What are you doing here?"

"They are Grey Wardens, Isolde. They helped keep the villagers safe." Teagan steers the conversation back to him. "What is going on?"

"Teagan, I don't have much time. There is a great evil in the castle. For now it is happy enough to keep us alive, but for how long, I don't know. I worry for Connor, Teagan. Please, I need you to come with me." Her eyes plead with him as does her whole being. Still Solona can't shake the feeling that the woman knows more than she is saying.

"Fine. I will go with you." Solona's heart seizes. She wants to cry out, to object yet she chokes back a whimper. "Just let me talk to them in private and we can go."

"Thank you, Teagan!" Isolde steps away with the guard close beside her.

"I don't have much time." Teagan steps closer to Alistair and Solona. He hands her a ring, his hands lingering on hers. Their gaze holds for longer than it should yet he can't procrastinate. "Here's what I propose. Take my signet ring, it will open the passage. I will go with Isolde and distract whatever this evil is. Whatever you do, Eamon is the priority here. If you have to, just get him out of there. Isolde, me, and anyone else... we're expendable."

"No." The word is torn from her chest. Her heart is breaking with every word he speaks. "I don't believe that. I will rescue you all; I promise."

Teagan smiles at her, giving her hand a soft squeeze. "You are brave as well as beautiful, it seems. The Maker smiled on me indeed, when He sent you to Redcliffe."

Solona watches with a heavy heart as Teagan walks away with Isolde towards the castle. She lowers her eyes to hide the fear in them. She stares at his signet ring in her hand. _I'm supposed to die, not Teagan._ Leliana and Zevran come out from the shadows. Leliana clucks her tongue disapprovingly. "I can't believe you just let him walk in there like that."

"I didn't want to, he left us no choice." Solona takes a deep breath. "We have to save him."

"Them…" Alistair stares at her for a moment. "We need to save them."

"If we can, I would prefer to save them all." Solona turns on her heel without another word and slips in to the dark mill to search for the hidden entrance. The others soon follow and they all search for the trap door.

"Ah, here it is." Zevran moves aside some hay exposing the trap door. The center of the door has a small indention. Solona kneels and gently places the ring within the indention. A click and whirr comes from the lock as they all step back and watch in fascination. She slips the ring on her thumb, staring in the depths of the entrance and shudders. Zevran is the first to react. "Allow me." He disappears in to the darkness and reemerges moments later. "The door does indeed lead to a small dungeon. Unfortunately, there are those walking corpses in there… I do not know who is in that cage, but I believe he needs rescuing."

Quickly the small group enters the passageway, Alistair gently tugs the spring trap door and it comes to life slipping closed behind them. He steps up behind them as they watch four walking corpses hungrily bat at a cage door presumably trying to get to a prisoner within. Without a word, she takes a few steps forward through the door and begins her chant. She keeps her words softly spoken before releasing her mass paralysis sure the prisoner within the cage will forgive her the discomfort providing they can save his or her life.

Upon releasing her spell, the others spring in to action dispatching the four monsters quickly. Solona walks towards the others when she hears a soft groan from within the cage. "The prisoner is recovering." She grins at the others and joins them. Her smile quickly fades when she sees him. Rage, hurt, betrayal squirm in her belly making her feel physically ill. She steps back quickly away from the door as if he were contagious. "You…"

He frowns and staggers to the cage door. He peers out and sees her. He spits. "Doesn't it just figure? Can my life be any worse? Why are you here? Are you here to betray me again?" His anger bubbles over spilling out of him like poison, his voice rising and growing louder with each word until he is yelling at her. He grips the bars in his hands. "Have you come to kill me now? What more can you do to me?"

She tilts her head and finds his anger… refreshing. Instead of spurring her own anger it calms her. "Hello, Jowan." She folds her arms defensively. "Isolde mentioned something evil in the castle. Why does it not surprise me to find you here."

Her words are like a slap in the face. Jowan blanches. "I had nothing to do with that. I was hired to teach the boy enough magic to hide his abilities-"

"Connor? Connor's a mage?" Alistair blinks in surprise.

"Yes. The Arlessa didn't want him to be taken away so she hired an apostate-"

"Melificar." Solona corrects.

"Okay, I admit, I dabbled… but I am no blood mage." She snorts and he ignores her. "I was hounded from the moment I left the tower. There were weeks where I slept out in the cold, gone hungry and I've been hunted, hunted! You think my life has been easy?" He presses his forehead to the bars and sighs. "I know I have no right to ask… but what of Lily?"

"What of Lily? What about me? This betrayal of yours-"

"Mine?" Jowan looks at her incredulously.

"Yes… yours." Solona closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "Jowan, you are a selfish prat." She stares at him hard. "You cry about sleepless nights in the cold… about hunger and being hunted yet it was by your own hand that these things came to pass. Your choices brought you here. Your actions are what cast me out of the Circle. It was your actions that caused the Chantry to send Lily away to Aeonar."

Jowan sobs. "My poor Lily."

"Still? It is still about you, _your_ poor Lily?" She steps up to the bars and hits them with all she has. Her anger is spiked now and she is ready to inflict pain. Her eyes flash dangerously. "Greagoir wanted me tranquil for helping the melificar escape." She hits the bars again sparks fly from her hands. "If it weren't for the First Enchanter sending me away with Duncan to become a Grey Warden…" She swallows hard and looks away, hitting the bars again. More sparks crackle from her hands. "To be rejected for doing what is right, what was expected of me… and still, I see you standing there and my heart breaks for you. You were my brother… my friend. I asked you, nay I begged you not to be foolish and you swore to me that the accusations were false. You lied to my face." She looks at him with tear filled eyes. She grips the bars. A low crackling sound fills the room. "I would have stayed happily in the Circle. It is where I belonged. Where I was safe! And now, I am here fighting darkspawn, and abominations, and demons and walking corpses… all because of you."

"Sol…" She backs away. "I… I've been a fool." Jowan winces when she sobs. "You had to… what about… he must have stayed."

"He hates me." She crumbles to the floor the fight leaving her. Leliana quickly kneels at her side embracing her. The memory of their meeting with the templar Cullen is fresh in their minds as if it happened only yesterday, instead of almost a year ago. "We went to the tower. I was so eager to see everyone. I had hoped…" A sob tears through her. "Blood mages, abominations and demons… they took the tower. They tortured mages and templars alike. So many of our friends are dead and my poor Cullen…" She leans in to Leliana allowing her to comfort her. All this time she hadn't allow herself to mourn the loss of her first love or any of her friends in the tower. "So much death, so many were hurt."

Jowan crouches in the cage and leans his head against the bars. "I'm… I'm sorry, Sol."

Alistair clears his throat as Solona pulls herself together in Leliana's arms. "What happened here?"

Jowan looks up startled having forgotten others were near. "Oh… I, uh…" He stands and nods. "It started when I was captured by templars. I was taken to Denerim on our way back to the Circle when I was intercepted by the Teyrn's men. He came and spoke to me. Teyrn Loghain said that if I helped him I could go back to the Circle and that he would speak on my behalf. He said the Arl was a danger to the country but…" Jowan shakes his head. "I'm not so sure that was true… and he's abandoned me here. I'm such a fool."

Alistair's jaw tightens. "What did you do?"

"I was told to poison the Arl." Jowan looks down at Solonar. His voice softens. "Connor, the boy, needed an instructor. I taught him a few things, he doesn't have a very good grip on magic yet, but then I ended up in here when the Arl became sick. These monsters, they came after I was put here. I had nothing to do with it." He looks at Alistair. "The first I heard about them is when the Arlessa came yelling at me to send them away. I had no idea what she was talking about at first. I thought she was yelling at me for poisoning the Arl."

"Sol, we need to go." Alistair kneels beside her. "Ready?"

She wipes her tears away and nods feebly. "I'm sorry." Alistair helps her stand and she turns her attention back to Jowan. "Maker be with you, Jowan." She turns on her heel and leaves her childhood friend behind.

Jowan's voice follows them out of the dungeon. "I'm truly sorry, Sol."

It takes some time to make their way through the lower levels of the castle. Walking corpses, shades and abominations slow their progress. Thankfully at one point they meet up with a frightened maiden who tells them of a short cut to the front gate. It is too dangerous for her to accompany them so they suggest she make her escape through the tunnel. Solona watches her scurry off. "Do you think she will make it to the village?"

Zevran shrugs as they move on. "You gave her a chance, no? It is more than she had sitting in that closet."

Solona sighs heavily. "Sometimes I ask myself why we bother."

Alistair slows his pace and gives her a lopsided grin. "Because if we didn't, the blight would go unchecked. The archdemon would bring the horde of the darkspawn to take over all of Ferelden. You couldn't live with that and neither could I."

She grins. "You're right."

"Oh I like being right." Alistair grins.

Solona chuckles. They make their way to the front gate and are surprised to see Ser Perth and his knights. She pulls at the lever and the gate rises. Ser Perth grins. "Thank the Maker!"

"Ser Perth, I didn't expect to-" She shudders hearing an unnatural growl. "We'll finish this conversation later…"

Alistair pulls his sword and readies his shield. "Leliana, the archers on the steps."

"I can take of that." Leliana skirts over to the side, pulling her bow as she moves.

Solona groans. "Revenant…" She begins her chant, her words low and quick. Alistair stops the others from engaging the oncoming monsters until he sees the flash of light signaling her mass paralysis is cast.

"Now!" Alistair charges the revenant as the knights spread out between the others. Zevran is already behind them backstabbing and slicing.

Solona casts what healing that is needed as well as a few well aimed bolts of lightening. The fight is taking too long. Everyone is now focused on the revenant. Solona casts her rejuvenation on Alistair. His swings are beginning to slow. She growls deeply pulling at what little reserves she has left and throws a stone fist directly at the revenant barely missing Ser Perth.

Solona winces. "Sorry!"

"No harm done." Ser Perth chuckles and shrugs. "Shall we enter the castle? My knights and I are anxious to see our Arl and Maker knows what else is in there."

Solona leans against the short fence and nods. Alistair shakes his head. "In a moment we can go. As much as we exert ourselves, Sol needs to catch her breath. Remember, it is thanks to her that we even survive…"

_Ugh, again?_ Solona wrinkles her nose at him. "Yes and without all of you, I'd have no chance of survival either. So it all balances out." She stands and nods. "Let's go."

Ser Perth leads the way in to the castle, followed by his knights, the wardens and the rogues. They brace themselves for more creatures and monsters yet what they find leaves them all baffled.

Usually one to stay behind the safety of the fighters, Solona steps forward and watches mesmerized as Teagan does an acrobatic dance act for the benefit of a child. The boy claps his hands and laughs. The more the boy laughs, the more animated Teagan becomes. "That's enough." Her voice rings out in the hall catching others by surprise.

The boy stops clapping and Teagan stops dancing and flops comically on the step beside the others. Isolde has the decency to look embarrassed as the boy speaks. His voice is hollow tinged with a demonic echo. Solona's eyes narrow and her hands clench. "What is that mother? I can't see."

Isolde stammers. "It is a woman, Connor. Like me."

Connor sneers. "She is nothing like you! She is young and pretty. I'm surprised you don't order her execution in a fit of jealousy!"

"Please, Connor. Do not hurt anyone!" Isolde pleads with her son or rather with the demon within the boy.

The boy turns his attention back to Solona. She stands ready for anything refusing to look at the oddly relaxed look on Teagan's face. "What is it doing here, Mother? Why is it looking at me? What does it want?"

"I've come to stop you." Solona struggles to keep her tone as even as possible. How many are under his influence? It appears only Isolde has control of her mind. Her head tilts as she peers at Isolde.

"You're the one that killed my soldiers? You're the one that stopped me from reclaiming my village! It's my turn to rule. Mine!" Connor rages.

"Connor, please!" Isolde tries again to console her son.

"No! I won't stop. I won't!" Connor tears from the room.

Solona reaches out for him as he runs past and that's when they spring in to action. She lets out a cry of surprise, squeezes her eyes shut and releases a burst of energy mind blasting those closest to her. "Leliana, Zev, get them out… fast, I don't have much time!" She begins her chanting without looking behind her. She has no idea how many of the Knights she stunned nor does she have the luxury of time to look. Teagan shakes off the affects of her mind blast and draws his sword. She keeps her focus on the floor avoiding his eyes releasing her mass paralysis as he approaches.

Unfortunately for Solona, Teagan's will is stronger than hers. While others are immobile, he slams his shield into her throwing her half way across the room. She crumbles to the floor in a whimpering heap.

* * *

><p>"Sol…" His voice sounds so far away and muffled. "Please, Sol, wake up."<p>

"She'll be fine. Just give her a minute to come around." Her voice sounds a bit clearer than his was. Solona struggles to hear them.

"Thanks… Wynne, isn't it?" His voice sounds closer. She knows the voice but can't quite connect it with a face.

"That's right." Wynne… she's a caring older woman that lectures. She remembers Wynne and now fully awake, she remembers him, too.

Solona tries to move and winces. "Ow." Her voice is weak.

"Sol, I am so sorry." Her eyes slowly open and focus on his face. She smiles. "I couldn't stop myself, the voices…"

She lifts her hand towards him. He takes it in his and brings it to his lips. "Are you okay?"

Teagan grins at her. "Yes. Your friends beat me within an inch of my life when I finally fell I think some still took swings at me. Not that I blame them. I would have done the same to anyone who hurt you."

Solona chuckles. "Then you have your work cut out for you. Every darkspawn alive would like nothing more than to hurt me." She looks around and grins at Wynne. "Hello, Wynne. I'm sure I have you to thank yet again for saving my hide."

"Actually…" Wynne nods towards another.

"Yes, yes… let's not make a habit of this, shall we?" Morrigan smirks at her before walking away followed by Wynne.

"Where is Connor?" Solona moves to sit up and winces. Teagan helps her as he supports her.

"His room I believe." Teagan's eyes are filled with concern. She sighs softly and allows herself a moment of rest.

"Where are we…" Solona looks around the now vacant room.

"Servant's quarters." He buries his face in her neck and holds her close. "I'm so sorry…"

"Mmmm… I feel like an ogre beat me in to the ground." She closes her eyes and relaxes in his arms.

Teagan stiffens. "You… you don't remember?"

She nuzzles his neck grinning. "Shame we don't have time for you to make this up to me."

He chuckles placing a small kiss in her neck. "Ah, so you do remember."

"Vaguely. I remember getting a very nice close up view of your shield." He winces. "I need to speak to Isolde. Her son is possessed. I knew she was hiding something but held my tongue because of the look you gave me." He pulls back looking at her. "She knows. You can see it in her demeanor."

She opens her mouth to speak and then closes it and shakes her head. "Tell me." He brushes the hair from her eyes.

"It's nothing." She smiles bravely feeling anything but. "We have little time to waste. There is no telling when Connor will want attention again."

Teagan shudders and helps her up. He holds her in his arms for a moment longer and kisses her gently afraid to break her. "I really am sorry."

"Enough, Teagan. Don't fret over this. You weren't yourself when you tried to kill me…" He winces and she chuckles. She lifts her lips to his offering them to him. He takes them gratefully kissing her gently. "I'll stop teasing you if you stop apologizing."

"Agreed." Teagan sighs. "You did what you said you'd do. You saved us."

"Not yet I haven't, Connor is possessed. He is not yet saved." The two leave the room to join the others.

When Solona enters she is welcomed with knowing glances and happy faces. She rolls her eyes and marches to Isolde. "A desire demon…" Solona shakes her head and sighs. "So Connor is the evil you spoke of."


	3. Chapter 3

First Enchanter Irving stands beside her. His calm patience is exactly what she needs right now. The other mages he brought along busy themselves with the preparations. "You know what to expect once you're there." She nods and shudders involuntarily. "The demon will most likely be as you suspect. Desire demons are quite powerful. Do not listen to any offer and stay strong. You are one of our top pupils… you were…" He grins. "The preparations are almost complete. We will be ready shortly."

Solona gives him a curt nod. She doesn't trust her voice. Her hands are clasped in front of her giving the appearance of calm. Within her rages a battle only seen if one looks closely to her eyes. There you can see her unrest and fears. She wants to run, she wants to stay and help. She wants to send someone else, she wants to spare others and do it herself. Ultimately the decision is made for her by Irving. She trusts in his wisdom. _I _really _don't want to do this._

"For what it's worth, I'm glad we decided to go this route. Thank you… for doing this." She tries to smile at Alistair to reassure him but can't quite do it._ Don't make me go._ Her eyes silently plead with him.

She tries to move. She is rooted to the spot. Her times in the fade have been anything but pleasant and this time will prove to be just as difficult if not worse. "Sol…" Her first time was unnerving. "Sol?" Her second time was horrifying. "Solona…" This time? She shudders again. This time she is facing a much stronger demon. This time the soul of a little boy is in her hands. Her eyes tear. Her hands shake._ I can't do this._ Teagan takes her hand and walks her out of the room. "You're shaking like a leaf. Are you sure you want to do this?"

Solona blinks up at him. "What?"

Teagan wraps his arms around her. "How dangerous is this? Losing Connor or losing you… I don't like either option." She lays her head against his chest.

_I'm scared._ "I'll be fine. The fade…" She takes a deep breath trying to keep her voice even. "It is unnerving. It can be massive and it can be daunting. Teagan, this is the only way to bring him back. I must try."

Teagan lifts her chin. "You really are something."

_I'm a fool._ Solona shakes her head. "No I'm not. I'm scared. I won't lie to you. I hate the fade. It is a mage's worse nightmare come to reality. It preys on your weakness and your desires. It is where demons hunt for the weak minded. It is where reality is twisted and…"

"Sol?" Solona jumps and gasps. Leliana stands at the doorway. "They're ready."

_Maker, help me._ Solona nods stiffly and gives her a lopsided grin. "I'll be right there." Leliana nods and walks away. Solona watches her for a moment and turns her attention back to Teagan. She wraps her arms around him losing herself in the comfort and safety of his arms. "I don't want to go in there. I don't want to go back to the fade. But…" She shudders. "What other option is there? Killing a little boy? I won't do that without trying to save him first. If that means going in to the fade, then so be it." She reaches up on her tiptoes and kisses his cheek. "It will be over soon." _One way or another._ She releases him and hurries back to the others before she loses her nerve. Irving nods at her urging her forward.

* * *

><p>Solona slowly becomes aware of her surroundings. The constant haze, the ghostly figures walking around lost, the emptiness, the islands… the fade. She tries to calm her nerves with a deep breath. It doesn't help. Standing still won't do her any good. She starts moving. She watches the figures carefully noting they are two repeated forms. One is the boy, the other is a man. "Connor!" She jumps and squeaks. Her eyes are wide as saucers. "Connor!" She spins around searching for the owner of the voice. "Where are you?"<p>

She takes a deep breath and moves towards the sound of his voice. She tilts her head looking at the man standing by a bed of all things. He looks right through Solona, searching and calling for the boy. He looks like the male versions of the shadows marching around aimlessly. She tries to reason with him. It worked once with her companions, perhaps… "Ser Eamon? Are you Arl Eamon?"

He glares at her with such anger and venom. She recoils. "Who are you? What have you done with Connor?"

_What did _I _do with him? _"My name is Solona. I have been sent here to help if I can. Arl, your wife, Isolde… she misses you. She asked me to find you and Connor." She shifts her weight. _That didn't work._ "It is time to awaken, Serah. Your family needs your stength." She peers at him. He's utterly unaware of where he is. She debates whether to continue speaking with him. He is no mage. He has no idea what the fade is. He doesn't know her. He has no reason to trust her or listen to her.

"Did you do this to me?" Eamon's anger is barely maintained. "Where is Connor?"

_Oh Maker._ "You wait right here. Soon we will lift this haze and you can find your way back to your family." She turns quickly on her heel and walks away without a backward glance. She finds herself before a fade portal. She takes a deep breath and steps through finding herself on another island of the same disconnected fade. She moves forward slowly not sure what she will find until she sees him. _Connor. _She wants to be annoyed with the boy but he is so young. He looks as lost as his father did. There is no way he could understand the ramifications of what he has done. "Hello, Connor."

"Why are you here? What have you done with Father?" Connor yells at her. The boy has his hands in fists barely containing his rage.

"What have _I_ done?" She quirks her eyebrow and smirks at the boy. "You made a deal with a demon, Connor. I did nothing to your father. This fade was your choice, your deal and if you weren't so young I'd leave you to your fate…" She sighs softly reining in her annoyance, "but you don't know better. Others are suffering and dying because of this and you deserve the chance to learn from this."

"No! You're going to ruin everything." Connor falls to his knees pounding his little fists on the ground. The façade fades and the demon is revealed.

_Blast!_ Solona braces herself and mind blasts the demon. She steps back in surprise when it works. _A lesser demon?_ As quickly as possible, Solona dispatches the demon and watches as it fades back to the ground. She tilts her head staring at the spot where it disappeared. _That was too easy._

After this encounter with Connor, Solona doesn't bother speaking with the boy knowing he isn't truly there and prepares for a battle. Each encounter proves more difficult. This happens at least another three times before she comes to a different clearing. Here she is faced with the true desire demon. Solona shivers. She can feel the power around her and takes a deep shuddering breath. Solona closes her eyes and feels the demon speaking to her, luring her in and she sighs longingly. Desire demons know your deepest desires and will promise you anything… for a price. "The price is Connor's soul?" She shakes her head slowly. "That hardly seems fair to the boy. He will be a great mage. He has a bright future ahead of him. Besides, how can I trust a demon?" She shakes her head and backs away. "You do tempt me, demon. Your offer is one I do desire more than life itself yet the answer will have to be no. The price you ask is too high and one I am not willing to pay. I'm sorry more than you'll know. Still, there can be no deal struck between us."

As expected, Solona finds herself in battle again. She grows weary and it frightens her. The angered desire demon is much more powerful than anything she's come up against before. Hexes are only remotely effective and the demon shrugs off every paralysis attempt. Her thoughts turn toward Connor and what her losing would mean to him. She grits her teeth. Her hands spark with her anger. Solona realizes she will have to resort to the basics and takes the demon by surprise with simple cold, fire, lightening and spirit spells. Solona drops to the ground beside the spot the defeated demon disappeared and sobs.

* * *

><p>With a thin blanket around her shoulders, she sits before the fire simply staring at it without seeing. The way the flames dance and sway is mesmerizing. Her mind is shut down. She can feel it. The stress of the last few days has taken its toll and her sanity is paying the price. She can hear the others. Their hushed urgent voices are hissing around her. Their concerns are valid, yet unwanted. They talk about her as if she can't hear them. They talk to her as if she will respond. Teagan tried speaking with her. Alistair tried speaking with her. Leliana, Wynne and even Zevran tried. She hears their words. She has none for them.<p>

Connor is safe for the time being. She finds it odd that he was still at the castle. First Enchanter Irving decided it would be best for father and son if he were to be here when the Arl awoke. The templars will be sent for him then and not sooner. For the first time in her life she questions the wisdom of the First Enchanter yet holds her tongue.

Connor comes to the room. He sees her sitting there. He sits beside her and stares at the flames. Slowly she turns her head and stares blankly at the child. His voice is without a demonic echo, pure and innocent. "You're the one that saved me." He looks up at her. "Thank you. Father always says you should thank those that do nice things for you."

She blinks. She sees the boy. She smiles and puts an arm around him. They sit this way for some time. Side by side, her arm draped over his shoulder, her head leaning on his. It is how Alistair finds them before dinner. Alistair sits beside her. "The Arl isn't waking up. The damage is deeper than expected. The healer has been keeping him stable."

She sighs softly. "So now what?"

Alistair jumps at the sound of her voice. "I… well, Isolde swears we need the ashes of Andraste to cure him."

Connor looks at her silently pleading with his eyes. Gently she kisses his forehead. "Okay. Where do we go?" Solona turns to Alistair and waits for his response.

Alistair stumbles over his words. "I um… well… she mentioned a Brother Genitivi in Denerim."

She tilts her head and peers at him. "That was the name on that note we found. Remember back in Lothering?"

Alistair grins. "Yes, that's the same man."

She nods slowly. "When do we leave?"

"Are you sure you're up to it? I mean… you've been kind of… quiet." Alistair hedges.

Solona sighs and struggles to untangle her limbs from the blanket. Finally she wraps the blanket around Connor and stands. "I'm fine. We'll go first thing in the morning… I need a bath." She tousles Connor's hair and walks towards her room. "Let the others know, please."

* * *

><p>Teagan walks in to his room after dinner. His brow furrowed with concerns. Solona is sitting on his bed waiting for him to arrive. She runs in to his arms. "Sol! I wondered where you gone off to." He quickly embraces her. "You weren't in front of the fire. You weren't in your room. You didn't join us for dinner. I was worried."<p>

"I'm sorry I worried you." Solona keeps her eyes closed listening to the strong beat of his heart. "She tempted me. I just couldn't accept. It enraged her." She shudders at the memory.

"Who?" Teagan kisses the top of Solona's head.

"The desire demons always appear as women, temptresses. Truth is I wanted what she offered. I wanted it more than anything I ever wanted in my life. The price was just too high. I couldn't give her Connor's soul." She cringes. "He has great potential. He will be a strong mage. She knew it as do I. He's young with so much life ahead of him. How could I possibly sacrifice him for my own happiness?"

He lifts her chin and looks in to her eyes. "What did she offer?"

"You." She caresses his cheek. "It isn't possible, but at the time she made it feel so real. Of course, that is what they do."

He kisses her deeply. "You have me. This is real."

Tears well in her eyes threatening to fall as she gazes up at him, "I am yours whenever you want me. Still, there can be no future for us. I need you to find happiness. I need you to fall in love, have children. If you can't be happy, Teagan, my fight against the blight is meaningless."

"I am in love." She whimpers. "You make me happy. As for children…" He grins. "After the blight is ended… we can discuss having a few."

She leans in to him offering her lips to him. He claims them with a deep kiss that touches her soul. Reluctantly she pulls her lips from his with a heavy sigh. "You refuse to see heed my warnings. I…"

"Whatever your reason, we can work it out. We can be together. It is what you want, is it not?" Teagan frowns. "Please, I cannot be the only one falling in love."

"I do love you, Teagan." She pulls away with a sob. "It's just not that simple."

"Life isn't simple, Sol. If it were you'd still be at the Circle and I'd still be alone." Teagan grins at her.

"I need you to understand." She takes a deep breath coming to a decision. "What I am about to tell you…" She takes his hand in hers and walks him to his bed. She sits at the edge and waits for him to be seated beside her. "It is a secret held by each Grey Warden." She takes another deep breath before continuing. "In order to be a Grey Warden we go through what is called the Joining. Simple enough yet it is deadly both at the time of Joining and beyond." She tilts her head and is lost in her thoughts. "We go through a ritual where we drink the blood of the darkspawn-"

"But…" Teagan grips the bed. "Their blood… it's poisonous!"

"It is. It's also disgusting." She shows him her Warden's locket. "When we drink it, it is laced with lyrium and other things… I'm really not sure what. I only know that after drinking it we are connected with them… the darkspawn that is. We have nightmares where we can hear them… and the archdemon. Not everyone that takes part in the Joining survive." She frowns and drops her gaze. Her hand clings to her necklace. "Also we have roughly 30 years left to live afterwards. There could be more to this but since everyone but the two newest recruits died at Ostragar, I only know what Alistair can tell me and what I have experienced."

Teagan takes her in to his arms. "This is why you say we have no future?"

"Yes… and…" She takes a deep breath. "Since we hear them… can sense them. It works for them as well. They can hear us and sense us." She shrugs weakly. "Even after the blight is over and the archdemon is destroyed. The darkspawn are never truly gone. They could find me no matter where I am. I'll always be a warden, connected to those beasts."

"So we have thirty years… I can make you happy during those-"

Her lips find his in a soft kiss. "No. I cannot simply turn my back on the wardens. In peace, vigilance."

"What?" Teagan searches her face.

"Our motto: 'In war, victory. In peace, vigilance. In death, sacrifice.' You see, I am bound to the wardens. Even when there is no blight, the fight remains. I won't be able to stay with you." She kisses his jaw and neck. Her voice is husky. "I need you to live and love, Teagan, for the both of us."

He brushes her hair back and stares in to her eyes. "So once you're done in Redcliffe…"

"We may never see each other again." Her eyes are hooded with desire. "I am not gone yet, my love."

His hands roam over her body, his desires are apparent in his eyes. "Then we make the best of the time we have."

She shivers at the intensity of his hunger. "Take what is yours for it is gladly given."


	4. Chapter 4

With her hands clasped before her she walks nervously through the streets of Denerim. "I feel so... so..."

"Naked?" Leliana prompts.

Solona giggles and threads her hand through Leliana's arm. "Leave it to you to make me smile. _Vulnerable_ is the word I was looking for."

"Still, a woman walking with a staff like yours is obviously a mage. Better that you left it at the camp, hmm?" Leliana pats her hand as they walk towards the shop stalls.

"It isn't as if I'm an apostate!" Solona hisses defensively.

Alistair snorts behind her. "Worse, you're a Grey Warden."

She waves a dismissive hand. "Oh don't ruin my fun. I want very much to enjoy this shopping trip."

Alistair grabs her arm and stops her. She looks up at him noting the concern and near panic in his eyes. "Sol... we aren't here to shop we're here to find-"

She pats his plated chest patiently. "I am quite aware why we are truly here but can't a girl dream about being normal... just this once?" She smiles wistfully at him. "I've lived my whole life in a tower. No shops, no pretty dresses, no pretty shoes..." She bats her eyes. Leliana joins her smiling sweetly up at him. Alistair relents and groans. "Thank you!" She lifts herself on her toes and kisses his cheek before returning her attention to Leliana who shows her some sparkling bangles.

Alistair looks down at Cully who sits patiently for his mistress. "Traitor."

Cully looks at Alistair and huffs followed by a low growl. Alistair snorts. "Oh you're blaming me for this? I dare say it's that Orlesian. Next we'll be carrying their purchases like houseboys."

Cully growls deep in his throat ending with a sharp bark. Alistair sneers back and sighs. "Fine, then I will be carrying them. How embarrassing…"

* * *

><p>"Sol?" He stops in his tracks. He's staring at a door longingly and it takes her by surprise.<p>

"Yes, Alistair?" She touches his arm to bring his attention back. "What's wrong?"

"This... this is Goldana's house. I think it is..." He glances around and nods vigorously. "Yes, it is. Can we… can we go in? Oh, maybe we don't have time. No, we don't have time. We should go... really, we should just... go." He looks at her in earnest and she smiles up at him.

"Yes, we should go in and say hello." She threads her hand in the crook of his arm. "Remember, this is what you want. You'll be fine." They stop at the door. She pats his arm and makes to leave causing Alistair much distress.

"Wait! You're coming with me... aren't you? Please say you will... please." Alistair is nervously twitching causing Solona to bite back a giggle.

Before she can answer the door flings open and two children rip out of the entrance as if they were on fire leaving the door ajar. One boy is laughing as the other gives chase.

Alistair's eyes widen when a shadowy form from within approaches. Without thinking of the consequences Solona steps in the doorway dragging Alistair along. "Hello... I'm sorry, your door is open. I-"

"Do you have wash to be done? I've got the best price in town." The blond woman looks at the pair expectantly.

Alistair blushes deeply. "Are... are you Goldana?"

* * *

><p>Alistair stares at the fire lost in thought. Solona sits down beside him not saying a word. They sit like this for some time before he speaks without looking at her. "You know, I've been thinking." She waits for him to continue. "You're right. I need to look out for myself better. I joke around to lighten the mood. We have such a daunting task ahead of us. Things don't always have to be so serious. Still, if I let them, they'll walk all over me and that I will not allow."<p>

Solona smiles at him. "Good for you, Alistair. I'm proud of you. You're a good man. You have a good heart. Those of us that care about you, see this. It is high time that you see it as well."

"Fat lot of good that does me." Alistair peers at the flames. "The first woman I have feelings for is pining for someone else."

Solona's eyebrows furrow as she looks at him. "Who-" Alistair shoots her a side glance. Her gaze drops. "I'm not… pining, exactly." She feels the warmth building. Her cheeks are hot from embarrassment extending to her ears. "Teagan is…" Her heart races thinking of him. "We are simply enjoying the time I have before this blight and taint sees the end of me or at the very least takes me away from him." She sighs softly. "Is that really so bad?" _Yes, it is._ "Would you deny me even a moment of happiness in the arms of a man I could see myself giving everything up for?" She closes her eyes and stifles a sob. "I would never abandon you and the wardens. Yet…"

"No, of course not. I'm… I'm sorry." Alistair takes her hand in his. He sighs heavily. "Get some sleep, Sol. I'll take this watch. We should be in Haven tomorrow."

She gives his hand a gentle squeeze. "You go ahead, Alistair. I'm not sure I can sleep." As if on cue, her stomach growls loudly. She giggles and blushes holding her belly.  
>Alistair chuckles. "I'm a bit peckish myself actually."<p>

* * *

><p>"I…" She whimpers softly and lowers her gaze. Staring at her hands she shrugs almost defeated. "I have given already so much to get this far. I cannot turn back now even if given that option. I don't seek the ashes for myself. There is a very noble man at death's door waiting for us to succeed. We can't fail him or the whole of Ferelden could very well be lost."<p>

The Guardian stares through to her very soul and nods. "What you say is true yet you will be tested or denied entry. Will you stand before me and accept this or will you be turned back when you are so close to what you seek?"

Solona looks helplessly at the others. "Then ask, Guardian. I have no choice."

"Your heart is troubled, young mage. Do you still feel guilty for betraying your friend's trust? Even knowing what he is now? Do you doubt your motives?" He watches her closely as she flinches.

"Jowan? Of all my doubts and fears, you pick…" She looks up at the Guardian and shakes her head. "I have had my doubts, I admit it. Yet after everything that has come to light and things that have happened directly from his betrayal…" She shakes her head. "No. I did what I believed to be right. I did what was asked of me by my First Enchanter and I stand by my decision for right or wrong." She closes her eyes. "Do I wish it had turned out otherwise? Perhaps. Leaving the Circle was not my choice. Do I hate Jowan? Have I forgiven him? Have I forgiven myself?" She smiles up at the Guardian. "I do not hate him. He is my brother. I forgave him and have come to terms with my own actions."

The Guardian turns his gaze to Alistair and frowns. "Do you really believe you should have been with Duncan? You would have surely died beside him."

Alistair inhales sharply, hissing between his teeth as if punched in the gut. He avoids Solona's gaze and nods silently. "Alistair…" He winces. Solona takes his hand in hers. "You are such a dear friend. I'm sorry you still feel that way. I for one am glad you weren't beside Duncan. I wouldn't be the person I am today without you."

Alistair gives her a lopsided grin. "Yes you would. You're strong and-"

_Ha!_ "No… I'm not nearly as strong as you think. With you… with our friends, I can be strong. Alone I'd have perished long ago." She gives his hand a squeeze before releasing it.

The Guardian moves on to Leliana questioning her self proclaimed vision causing her to stammer and doubt. "I… no, no! I _did _have this vision. It may not have been the Maker, but I… no…" Leliana shakes her head, her eyes fill with tears.

Solona takes Leliana's hand and gives it a squeeze. "Leliana… you are right."

"I… I am?" Leliana grasps Solona's hand and looks at her with hope in her eyes.

Solona smiles and nods at her. She fumbles in her pack for a moment before producing a single red rose. Alistair fidgets. Solona shows the rose to Leliana. "Do you see this? Do you know what this is?"

"It is a flower… a rose. I don't understand." Leliana gently touches the soft petals amazed at how preserved it is. "Where…"

"Have you ever wondered why I didn't question your vision? Why I believed you when you said you were told to come with me? You were speaking of a flower amidst the dark. A vision of hope in the blackness. The blight was the darkness, the flower…" She grins at Alistair. "…is me. You were sent to help me, to protect me. Don't doubt yourself now, Leliana. You're my dearest friend. I need you."

Leliana throws her arms around Solona and hugs her tightly. "Thank you. You are truly my friend."

Morrigan snorts. "Save your questions, Guardian. I will not play your game or answer your questions. You see in my heart and know your answers. That will be sufficient."

Solona chuckles softly and smiles at Morrigan. Morrigan winks at her and they are granted entrance.

The long drawn out testing varies from a test of reasoning, to a test of the mind and knowledge. Solona bites her bottom lip as she stares at the closed double doors. "So if we have used our minds and our wits, I would imagine behind this door will be a test of the body." Her hand shakes as she reaches for the door. Her finger tips brush against the metal and the doors open of their own accord.

She steps back as the form approaches. "Jowan?"

Jowan grins at her. He takes her hand in his. "Sol… you were right. I wish I had listened to you. Things have definitely changed for the both of us. I am ready to stand up and take responsibility for my actions. You taught me that. Your conviction and faith in me will not be unrewarded. Even if they make me tranquil for what I have done, then that will be my fate."

"I hope it doesn't come to that." Solona's eyes mist with tears. His thumb gently brushes over her skin.

"Me, too." He produces something in his free hand and presses it gently into her palm. "You are the mage I always wanted to be."

She looks at the medallion in her hand. She gasps softly and holds it to her heart. She had thought it lost so long ago. She looks up to say her thanks only Jowan is gone. Silently she slips it around her neck and lets the cold metal rest against her warm skin.

Solona used to enjoy being right. Yet battling her own image and those of her friends, shadow or not, proved quite unnerving. Alistair hesitates before plunging his sword in to her shadowed self. She feels almost light as air when it dissipates leaving them standing in front of yet one more door.

"Now what?" A wall of fire stands before them. An alter beckons to instill its words of wisdom. They read and reread its words and Solona sighs. "A test of faith. I will do it."

"No, I won't let-" Alistair tries to argue and she stops him.

"The girls will need your strength to get them safely out of here if I fail." She slips a chain from her neck and hands it to him pressing it gently in his palm. "My warden locket… shameful as it sounds I was never more proud and frightened when you gave this to me. Keep this safe for me."

She pulls the rose from her bag once more handing it to Leliana. "Keep hope within you always."

Beside the alter she sets her bag down and slips her boots off her feet relishing the cold marble against her soles. "Morrigan?" She slips her half gloves off and drops them on her bag.

"Yes?" Morrigan peers at her questioningly.

Solona slips another chain from her neck. "I know you are a proud apostate and a very accomplished and strong witch. I've maybe not said it but I do admire your strength." She slips the medallion in to her hand. "While you may not believe in the chantry and its teachings, you are one of us. This is a simple medallion. It was given to me by my first love…"

Morrigan looks at the medallion dangling delicately from the thin chain. "Cullen?"

"Cullen…" Solona grins. "He is a templar but to me he was so much more than that. He was my hope and my heart. He showed me that even in the darkest of times there is someone out there that believes in me." Morrigan's eyes widen slightly at the admission. "Yes, I believe in you." She leans in and kisses her cheek. "Just don't breathe a word of it to anyone. I have a reputation to uphold." She winks and turns her back to them.

She stands before the alter loosening her robe before allowing it to slip with a whisper of fabric to the marble floor. She shivers as the cold licks at her exposed skin. With trembling fingers she removes the last of her small clothes. She stands bare before the fire feeling the contrast of heat and cold battling against her skin. They collectively hold their breath as she steps in to the wall of fire. The flames gently lick at her skin. The heat envelops her yet doesn't burn her. She pauses briefly in surprise. She looks at her hand in amazement and relief. Emerging on the other side she is met by the Guardian. She shivers as the cold air assaults her skin.

"You have passed the test laid out before you." His voice fades as does his image along with the wall of fire.

She squeals excitedly as her friends join her. Alistair finally drops his gaze and holds his hand out to her. "You will want this back."

"Oh… oh!" She blushes deeply and is at a loss on how to hide her naked body from him. Her hands feebly try to cover her. "Oh Maker…"

Leliana laughs. "You have a beautiful body, Sol. You should not be embarrassed to show it." She holds Solona's robe out of reach of her chuckling.

Solona pouts, her hands rest on her hips. "Leliana, it's cold!" Leliana stops teasing her. She quickly snatches her bag and clothing.

Alistair grins wolfishly. "We noticed…"

"Alistair!" Solona groans and keeps her back to them pulling her clothing back on.

Alistair chuckles. "What? Leliana is right. You have a lovely body. Feel free to romp around the camp naked any time." He flinches as she throws her boot at him. He laughs harder. "I'm sure the others won't mind."

"Gah!" Solona throws her other boot which he catches easily.


	5. Chapter 5

Teagan paces impatiently. The sound of the outer doors opening catches his attention. He looks up expectantly. He can hear the urgent murmuring coming his way. His heart races with hope. He smiles and closes his eyes with relief when he hears Cully barking happily. "Maker be praised…" He whispers under his breath.

Alistair grins at him producing a small leather pouch. He gently places it in Teagan's hand. "After what we've been through… that had better work." He chuckles.

Teagan stares gratefully at the pouch in his hand. His stomach is still in knots. "Where…" He bites off his question and shakes his head. He grins at Alistair. "Thank you, Alistair. Again you have given us hope when we thought all was lost."

Teagan walks towards the staircase to bring the ashes to the healers in Eamon's room. He stops short hearing Alistair's words. "She's taking a bath… you know how women are. She spends two months fighting the darkspawn, dragons, fanatics and Maker knows what and somehow in that twisted mind of hers, she thinks she needs a bath before seeing you." Alistair chuckles at Teagan's reaction. "Yes, well, one would have to be blind and stupid not to see how she feels about you, Teagan. Anyhow, I figured you would want to know where she is."

Teagan gives Alistair a sheepish grin. "Thank you. I should take these ashes to Eamon's healers."

Teagan turns on his heel and exits. His pace is lighter and quicker than before, leaving Alistair to either follow or remain behind. Alistair drops his head and sighs heavily. His own footsteps feel leaden and painfully slow.

* * *

><p>They've watched and waited. Arl Eamon breathes easier. His color is slowly returning and for the first time since he fell ill to the poison there is hope and signs of recovery. Arlessa Isolde stays by his side day in and day out. Bann Tegan visits as often as possible leaving for meals, meetings and to sleep. Alistair is often found standing guard just outside the bedroom door.<p>

Solona peeks in every so often yet prefers Connor's company to the watching vigil. She is still very uncomfortable around Isolde. Cully has taken to following her around and guarding doors while she sleeps unwilling to allow her out of his sight for too long. They sit around a small table in Connor's room and talk, or more accurately Solona sits and listens, answering what she can. Connor has many questions and she finds his eagerness to learn rather refreshing. It takes her mind off of other things that are happening inside and outside the castle.  
>Connor looks up from his book. His intense green eyes hold her in his gaze. "How old were you when you left for the Circle?"<p>

Solona tilts her head. "I didn't leave for the Circle, I was taken. I was four at the time. If you asked me then of course I'd have said nearly five." She chuckles as he blushes knowingly. Cully huffs and sits up listening along.

"So a templar came…" He prompts.

"Yes, I remember healing a beast and a templar coming for me. It wasn't until recently that I was told the whole story by Wynne. It baffles me how the mind will block things deemed unimportant at the time. I was so intent on helping that poor animal…" She chuckles and shakes her head. Cully lays his head on her knee. She idly scratches his ears.

Connor's brow furrows. "And that is wrong?"

"Hmmm, using magic to do so, yes. Plus even a child of four years of age should know the dangers of being near wild beasts." She smiles as Cully huffs again. "It was a wolf that I was healing. His foot had been in a trap. The poor thing had been gnawing at it. The templars came. The wolf protected me." She sighs sadly. "They killed it to get to me." Cully looks up at her for a moment then lays his head back down on her knee.

"I'm sorry." She shrugs a shoulder and he moves on. "What's it like at the Circle?"

"It's like nothing you've ever experienced, I'm almost certain." She laughs at his dubious reaction with a sudden feeling of déjà vu. "Okay, you live in a castle with servants. I lived in a tower with tranquil. You have guards. The tower has templars. You have visitors. The tower has new comers who never leave." She leans on her elbows and grins at him. "Although you've led a rather sheltered life and have seen more than many your age has. Maker, I didn't face my first demon until two years ago at my harrowing."

"What is a harrowing?" Connor's eyes widen.

"I've already spoken too much of a harrowing. I can tell you that it is a ritual or rite of passage from an apprentice to a mage. You'll do well at your harrowing."

He peers at her. "Do you really think so? I didn't do quite so well against my first demon…"

"You were unprepared and unlearned. No one told you the dangers of the fade. You had to learn the hard way." She shudders involuntarily. Her eyes drop to the table between them. "Desire demons are difficult to deny even for a grown adult. They know your heart's desire and promise you things…" She frowns. Her voice tapers off.

Connor closes his book quietly and watches her. "What did she offer you?"

Solona shakes her head. "It doesn't matter. I wasn't willing to pay her price."

He grins sheepishly. "I will do my best, Solona. I promise I will not waste this chance you have given me."

"I know." She smiles at him. Cully nudges her hand. She tugs playfully at his ear.

"Connor?" The two look up as their visit is interrupted. As always when he enters a room, Solona's heart skips a beat. Cully has risen and moved towards the door in anticipation. "Mind if I steal Sol away again?"

Connor rolls his eyes. "Oh, Uncle, really…"

Cully barks once, walks back to Connor and nudges him farewell before following them out. Solona waves at Connor as Teagan escorts her from the room. He pins her against the wall and captures her lips in a quick passionate kiss, their lips part leaving them both breathless. Her fingers weave in to his hair; her lips part begging for more. Teagan lowers his lips brushing them lightly against hers. She moans softly. "Maker, what did I do to deserve that?"

"Eamon is awake. He is asking for you." Teagan rests his forehead against hers. "Maker forgive me I had hoped he would take longer to awaken but the man is a paragon of determination."

* * *

><p>Alistair is waiting for them at Eamon's door. He glances at Cully and gives Solona an almost pained look. "Alistair?" She squeezes his arm gently. "What's wrong?"<p>

Alistair shakes his head quickly and tries to give an enthusiastic grin that fools no one. "Nothing!" Even Cully tilts his head at him.

Solona smiles patiently. "We'll be in momentarily, Teagan."

Teagan nods in understanding. "It will be fine, Alistair. You'll see. Eamon will be over joyed to see you're safe." Teagan looks at them one last time before giving Solona a kiss on her forehead and departing.

"Is that what's bothering you? You're worried what the Arl will say?" Solona prompts.

Alistair's shoulders sag. "Yes." He begins pacing before the door. "You saw Isolde's reaction to seeing me. I can only imagine Eamon will be just as thrilled."

Solona hisses. "Isolde..." She shudders visibly. "I don't like her. I don't care that she is the Arlessa. Only reason I didn't give in to Jowan's idea of blood magic is... well one its blood magic and two it would have upset you and Teagan." She winces. "Not very nice of me, I admit but still. Listen Alistair, from everything you said and everything that Teagan has said, I'm sure he will be happy to see you."

"Like Goldana was..." Alistair runs his fingers through his hair nervously.

"Two women who don't deserve to know you. Eamon knows you. He was kind to you. Remember, he took the time to get your mother's amulet fixed. A man that will do such a kind act will not send you away now." She threads her hand into the crook of his arm. "Besides you helped save his life, his son's life and his lands. That has to mean something to him. If it doesn't I don't think I want to know him."

Alistair chuckles and leads her in to the room. His laughter freezes in his throat as all eyes turn to watch them enter.

Eamon sits propped up in bed. His coloring has improved greatly. More importantly he is awake and alert. Alistair grins nervously and walks a step behind Solona as they enter. Her smile is genuine when she is introduced by Teagan. "The last of Ferelden's Grey Wardens; I give you Solona Amell and Alistair Theirin."

Eamon gasps, his face breaks in to a huge grin. "Alistair! Is it truly you?"

Alistair hedges and steps forward careful to position him in a way that Solona is between him and Isolde. "Yes, Eamon, it's truly me. I'm glad to see you're feeling better." His boyish charm shines through, Alistair grins at Eamon sincerely.

Eamon beams up at him. "You've certainly grown into a fine young man. It is good to see you, my boy." His eyes shift to Solona. "I hear my gratitude goes to you both for saving not just me but my family and the lives of those in the village." He sighs weakly. "I wish our meeting was under more pleasant circumstances and I have a sneaking suspicion that there is more news that I haven't heard as of yet."

Teagan clears his throat. "Yes, well..."

"Come now, Teagan. I am still Arl and I need to know what has happened. I'm sure there is much more to your tale considering you introduced these two as the last of the Grey Wardens!"

A huff is heard at the doorway. "Excuse me, Messeres." Solona nods cordially excusing herself. She walks to the door to find Wynne approaching with a note.

"I hear the Arl is awake." Wynne smiles in relief. "Will we depart soon?"

Solona glances longingly behind her at Teagan and nods. "Yes, very soon. I don't particularly care to go inside a mountain but if that is where we have to go next, then so be it. I've procrastinated. I'm sorry. Please let the others know we leave at first light."

Wynne pats her hand. "Of course."

Solona looks at the name on the note and walks back to the others. She holds the note out for Teagan. His fingers brush hers. She smiles shyly dropping her gaze. Her voice is hushed during this lull in the conversation. "Alistair, we leave first light for Orzammar."

Alistair nods quietly before addressing the Arl. "So we will take our leave, Eamon. You have a lot to discuss with your family and we have work to do. Contrary to what some believe, this _is _indeed a blight and we are gathering forces to battle it."

Eamon watches her for a few moments. His voice is a low gruff hush. "You were there..." He speaks almost to himself. "I was lost in a haze..."

Solona nods slowly as he talks this through for himself. "Yes, it is called the fade. You had been trapped there by a demon. I tried to speak with you but you were less than coherent at the time."

Eamon has the decency to avert his eyes shamefully. "I... I blamed you for keeping me from my family and here you were trying to help me. I... well, thank you."

Solona grins. "You're welcome. It isn't often that a non-mage enters the fade and when they do it is most often not by their choice. It can be unnerving and frightening." She bites back a giggle as Alistair shudders beside her.

"It's a nasty place even for mages…" Alistair grumbles.

Solona wrinkles her nose at him. "Agreed."

* * *

><p>She brushes his hair from his face watching him as he sleeps. The longing in her heart is pushed aside for duty and her countrymen. She lays her head on his shoulder pressing as close as she can to him. His arm instinctively wraps around her waist pulling her closer. His eyes flutter open. "Can't sleep?" He stifles a yawn.<p>

"Sorry..." She kisses his neck nuzzling up to him. He moans softly. "...okay maybe I'm not sorry."

Teagan chuckles and claims her kiss is longing and deep, nibbling at her bottom lip. "No, I doubt you are sorry."

He runs his hand down the length of her face, staring at her so intently she blushes. "What?"

"I'm simply memorizing everything about you. I look at every night together as our last. A gift of an evening to treasure. I never know when you will return or even if you will."

Solona caresses his cheek. "So you've learned at last."

His thumb caresses her jaw. "You were gone for so long to gather the ashes. Then Alistair reminded me you had only been gone two months. It was then that I realized how fragile time is and how precious your visits are." He kisses her jaw, her lips, running his tongue along them. "I love you, Sol."

She moans deeply. "I will always love you, Teagan."

* * *

><p>It is a long voyage to Orzammar from Redcliffe. It is even longer traveling within the Deep Roads from thaig to thaig. She has a new found respect for the dwarven folks that hold outsiders in such utter contempt. Yet her greatest joy of this trip is meeting a darling and enthusiastic dwarf maiden, Dagna.<p>

Before heading in to the Deep Roads she sent a letter to First Enchanter Irving relaying Dagna's wishes to study at the Circle making sure to outline all the benefits of accepting her. Upon their return to Orzammar, Solona found a very upset father who she could not apologize enough to and a letter from Bann Teagan Guerrin.

With a new king upon the throne, a promise of troops and a noisy nug in tow, Solona finds herself eager to leave the confines of the mountain. She breathes in the fresh air and is assaulted by the stench of their newest companion.

Oghren stands wide eyed gazing up at the sky. Solona smiles patiently. She knows how he feels. She had felt similarly when she was taken from the Tower. "Overwhelming isn't it. It takes a bit of getting used to."

"I feel like I could fall up in that blue forever." Oghren speaks more to himself than to her.

She puts her hand on his shoulder and gives it a friendly pat. "I know what you mean."

"Sol?" Alistair gives the guard a nod of thanks. He walks up behind them and shows her a note. "We need to get back to Redcliffe."

"Redcliffe?" Her heart stops. _Why?_ "Why?"

"Eamon wants to see us." He gives her an apologetic grin. "I'm sure Teagan is fine."

Solona's eyes quickly scan the brief note. It was written weeks ago. _Teagan…_ Her heart seizes in her chest. "Oghren, take all the time you need."

Without waiting for a response, she stumbles past them. Her face is blank. Her eyes are vacant, her pace is brisk. "Sol?" Alistair quickens his pace to catch up to her. His long strides make it easy for him. "Sol, we have to… Sol?" He sighs and grabs hold of her arm stopping her. "Breathe, woman."

Her eyes flash at him. Alistair quirks an eyebrow as if challenging her yet he releases his hold on her arm. She cringes and lowers her gaze. "I'm sorry… Wynne tried to warn me against matters of the heart. I wish I had listened…" She looks up at Alistair a tear escapes and slips unnoticed down her cheek. "I didn't want this. I never wanted any of this but here we are. I'm being tested once again and I am finding it harder to take each time." Her body shakes with a sob. "I should have never allowed myself to fall in love with him. I knew better."

"I don't beleive we have a choice in who we fall in love with." Alistair sighs heavily and pulls her in to his embrace. "I sometimes forget how vulnerable you are." He takes her bag and her hand leading her back to camp. "We'll leave soon. First we must break camp and get everyone together." He steals a glance at her. "Where were you going anyhow? Redcliffe is south."

* * *

><p>They head south through the Frostback Mountain. The climate becomes warmer the further they travel. Periodically they encounter small bands of darkspawn and camp for a few hours rest before moving again.<p>

It is during one of their resting times that Solona stands in a brook. Cully lapping the cold water eagerly, suddenly stopping and looking down stream. He huffs quietly and goes back to drinking. She has taken off her boots and is soaking her feet. She sighs heavily and returns to the small shore to sit and stare longingly at the stars. Wynne comes to sit beside her. They sit like this for some time, neither speaking nor moving. Cully eventually has his fill and walks a perimeter around them. Still they sit in silence.

"I take no pleasure in being right. I had hoped I was wrong." Wynne's voice is low and sympathetic.

Solona tries to be brave. She tries to smile and ease the older woman's worries but she doesn't have it in her. "Me, too." She closes her eyes and sighs. "The time for my girlish dreams of the perfect life and happier times is at an end. I knew it wouldn't last. I just had no idea it would hurt this much."

Wynn pats her back softly. "In time-"

"Wynne…" Solona sighs. "Please don't. In time I will heal. In time I will forget. In time he will have married this new woman that can love him and give him the family that he wants." Solona sobs. "In time I will be dead and buried. Only right now, my heart is breaking and my pain is too fresh to be sated by any well meant sage advice."

"Of course." Wynne gives her shoulder a soft squeeze before leaving her.


	6. Chapter 6

She watches silently as he bites his lip in concentration. He stares intently at the candle wick. He flicks his wrist too quickly. This pattern goes on a few times before her slows his movements causing the wick to spring to life, the flame dances and Solona claps her hand. "Well done, Connor."

Connor grins at her. He blushes lightly and looks at the flame again. "Sol?"

"Yes, Connor?" She looks at her finger, flicks it gently and watches the small flame dance on the tip. She moves her hand gracefully as the flame hops from finger to finger. She holds her hand out to him palm up with the flame resting calmly at its center.

"Show off." Connor chuckles. Solona closes her hand, the flame is extinguished. "Why am I not in the Circle?"

_Isolde?_ "I truly don't know. First Enchanter Irving initially thought it would be best to keep you here with your father until he awoke. That was months ago and you're still here."

She takes his hand in hers holding his palm upwards and grins at him. He frowns briefly. "Do you think Mother is trying to hide me again?" _Yes._ "It went rather poorly last time." _Such a clever boy._

"Creation… is… my… focus." She taps his palm quickly changing the subject. A burst of green light erupts creating a small wisp which circles over his hand.

"But…" Connor watches mesmerized by the wisp. "You can still create fire."

"Mhmm… all mages are taught basic abilities such as fire, lightening, ice… you're not limited to one focus either. You'll just find that you'll excel within one more so than another."

"So what others are there?" Connor hasn't taken his eyes off the wisp.

"Entropy and Spirit…" She grins watching him. "I like entropy. Entropy is about control. When there is a battle going on around me and things are getting out of hand, I can cast paralysis. They stop moving and it gives me a chance to heal a few folks." She shrugs. "It makes saving lives easier."

He looks at her over the wisp. "Couldn't that be used in other ways?"

_A very clever boy…_ "Naturally, yet that is how I prefer to use it." She pokes the wisp and it evaporates.

"Sol?" His voice drifts from the doorway.

Solona sighs and squeezes Connor's hand gently. "Duty calls."

Connor nods quietly. "Thank you for visiting with me." He grins shyly. "I appreciate it."

She beams at him. "I enjoy our visits it's a nice break from all the boring blight talk."

Alistair clears his throat. She winks at Connor before she steps from the room. They walk to the meeting room. Alistair pauses at the entrances, his hand on the knob and he looks at her. "Ready?"

She shrugs delicately. "No. Not that we have any choice." She gives him a brave smile feeling anything but brave. "Let's go."

Alistair pushes the door open allowing her to enter first. Her hands are folded before her. Her robe swishes softly around her ankles. She watches her feet move her automatically towards the front of the room where Eamon is waiting for them. She hears his voice as he speaks with Eamon. Her heart races in her chest. Alistair gives her elbow a squeeze as he steps around her. He clears his throat announcing their arrival. Once their voices die down, he addresses them. "Our forces are gathered. Our treaties have been presented and met by each faction. All will heed the call of the Grey Wardens. What is it that is so dire you would have us here impeding our search for the archdemon?"

She struggles to keep her face neutral as they step closer. She fights the urge to turn and run. She smiles politely allowing her eyes to linger perhaps too long on Teagan._ Mercy he's so handsome. _Their eyes meet for a brief moment before she drops her gaze to stare at the carpet.

"Ah, so good of you to come. I was worried we had missed you in Orzammar." He smiles earnestly yet the smile slips quickly. "There are some urgent matters we need to address, the least of which is what to do with the mage, Jowan."

Solona's head snaps up at this news. "Jowan lives?"

Eamon nods. "As the injured party, I find it difficult to be partial to his punishment." He waves a hand to a guard by the side door.

The guard knocks twice. The door opens and Jowan is escorted in. His eyes flit around the room nervously and stop on Solona's face. Forgetting anyone else in the room his eyes plead with her for forgiveness.

Eamon watches him shrewdly. "You seem to know this man?"

Solona nods quietly. "He was like a brother to me at one time."

"I see." Eamon addresses Jowan. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

Jowan takes a deep steadying breath. "I ask for nothing, Ser. I only wish to say that I'm sorry…" He gives Solona a small smile, "for everything."

Solona lowers her eyes. Eamon's words breaking through her thoughts. "Solona, what do you think I should do with this man?"

Solona wraps her arms around her body and closes her eyes tightly. "He is truly sorry for his part, Ser. Though he wont ask, I ask on his behalf that you show him mercy." She looks at Eamon with pleading eyes. "Sending him to the tower and back to First Enchanter Irving would give him a chance to redeem himself and help the Circle heal. Jowan is not a bad person, just misguided."

Eamon nods. "I will grant you this boon. You have saved the ones I love. For you I am willing to show him mercy." He nods to the guard.

Jowan hesitates and reaches out his hand to Solona. "Thank you and farewell… my friend."

Solona squeezes his hand gently. "Maker be with you, brother."

Jowan breaks away from the guard to give her a quick hug. His eyes widen briefly. His voice is a choked whisper. "Sol?"

"Not a word." Solona presses her cheek against his pleading with him.

He steps away and gives her a silent nod before following the guard out. Once the door is closed Eamon addresses them again speaking of the Landsmeet. Options are weighed on how to proceed and much to the surprise of Alistair; the decision to put him on the throne is made.

* * *

><p>Morrigan drops her body on to the sofa with a huff. "If one more servant asks me if I want something more presentable to wear…"<p>

Solona giggles. Morrigan stares at her in disbelief. Leliana tilts her head. "Oh I don't know. I think something blue would be nice. With pretty shoes… oh, the blue ones we found in the shop the last time we came to Denirim." Solona laughs.

Morrigan bristles. "Blue? Pretty shoes? Are you daft?"

Leliana waves a dismissive hand. "Not at all, the shoes are blue with ribbon. Your dress could still be short and stylish. Oh and with lace. It would be lovely."

Solona laughs uncontrollably and so thoroughly she has tears streaming holding her belly. "Oh Morrigan, I am truly sorry."

"I would say you aren't but keep that up and you will be." Morrigan smirks. "It is good to hear you laugh again."

Solona wipes her tears and takes a steadying breath. "It has been far too long."

Someone clears their throat in the door way. "Sol?" All heads turn his way. "If I may have a moment of your time?" _So much for laughter._

Solona looks at both Morrigan and Leliana. Morrigan pats her knee and nods. "Come Leliana. Show me these wretched shoes."

Leliana pauses and shoots a meaningful glance at Teagan. She leans over kissing Solona's cheek. "We won't be long."

Solona smiles up at her companions. "Thank you."

Teagan enters waiting quietly as the girls leave them alone. "I was rather hoping-" _Yes!_

"No." Solona shakes her head making her decision very clear. "That's not a good idea."

Teagan sighs heavily and nods. "No, I… I don't suppose it is." He sits on the small table in front of her and stares at his hand. "I debated on that letter for a time. I didn't know which would be harder; reading it in a letter or coming back to Redcliffe and finding out that way."

"Teagan?" He lifts his gaze, their eyes lock. Solona struggles. Her stomach is in knots. "Are you happy?" _Please say no._

"Yes." _No!_ He sighs wistfully. "Maker help me, I am."

She nods and forces a smile. "I won't lie and say it didn't hurt to read your words. I am not angry with you, Teagan." _Being angry would be easier._ "I want you to be happy. If she makes you happy then it is the Maker's will."

He moves to sit beside her on the couch. He takes her hand in his. "What about you?"

_What about me?_ She leans her head on his shoulder. "I get to know you're happy. That's enough." _It will have to be._

He sighs and puts his arm around her. "You truly are an amazing woman." _Ha!_

"No…" She chuckles. "I'm a very selfish person. I just happen to love you. That means letting you go to love another…"

"Sol…" He lifts her chin and looks in to her eyes. His lips brush against hers in a soft kiss. "I still love you."

_Then tell me you were wrong. Tell me you still want to be with me._ She cups his face, her thumb caressing his cheek. "Then live."

* * *

><p>She feels horrific. Her head aches, she feels woozy and her vision is blurred. She groans. "Oh good, you're awake." <em>Alistair?<em> Solona tries to sit up and gasps. The shooting pain in her head has her wincing and whimpering. "No, don't move too quickly." He helps her sit wrapping the scratchy sheet around her.

There is a noise, constant and hallow. She feels as if it comes from the center of her being. "Do you hear that?"

"Yes it's that blasted prisoner over there. If I say anything about his noise, he bangs louder as if that helps the situation." Alistair glares across the way. "How are you feeling?" He brushes the hair from her forehead. "That mage got a shot off at you before I could stop him." He sighs. "I tried cleansing yet it wasn't enough."

"I've been better." Her eyes narrow. _Mage? Prison? Oh, Maker! _"Where are we?" Solona looks around wearily. She pulls the sheet around her.

"Fort Drakon, it is a guard post and prison. Apparently it is now also a dungeon for someone's sick idea of torture." Alistair hesitates. His tone softens. "Why didn't you tell me, Sol?" He rubs her back gently.

Solona stiffens. "There is nothing to tell." She meets his gaze evenly. _Stubborn._ She can't hold Alistair's gaze.

"Right… okay." He leans back against the wall. _Damn._ Solona cringes at the hurt look on his face.

"You'd think they'd have the decency to at least give us something to wear… some rags or robes." She bites her lip trying not to stare at him in his small clothes.

Alistair chuckles. "It isn't as if I haven't seen you in less clothing than you are in now."

"Alistair!" Solona blushes deeply and nudges him playfully with her shoulder. "Still, I've never seen… this much of you."

Alistair leans his head back against the wall and shrugs. "I will simply have to suffer under your gaze." She squeaks and turns her head. Alistair laughs. "Fair is fair I suppose."

"Oh I don't know you've got on more than I did up on that mountain." She chuckles and shakes her head. "Honestly, the indignities we've suffered all in the name of ending the blight." She leans against Alistair. "Do you think anyone would believe us if we told them what we've gone through."

Alistair shrugs a shoulder. "I doubt it. Sometimes I wonder if I believe it."

"So what now?" She looks around the cell. "Do we wait until Loghain comes to execute us or do we break out of here?"

Alistair raises an eyebrow. "Do you know how to pick locks?"

Solona laughs. "Don't be absurd. I'm a mage. I know how to incapacitate a man while you grab his key."

"Ah, paralysis… what if it doesn't work?" Alistair stands suddenly and strides towards the cell door straining to see where their jailor is. _Oh!_ Her eyes widen taking in his form. Broad strong shoulders, muscular back, slender waist and… _Stop this. Stop staring. Stop!_

"Then you beat him until he falls at our feet?" Solona tears her eyes away and stares pointedly at her hands. _These impure thoughts are what got you in this trouble._ "Do you have a better idea?"

Alistair grins at her. "Not a one. Just be sure to watch your aim."

Solona's eyes flash at him. She scoffs. "One time, a stone fist misses its target… one time!"

Alistair laughs. "I still have the bruises!"

_Mercy._ Solona's eyes rake his body. "Yes, I see you do."

Alistair chuckles nervously. "Hey now… no time for that."

"Oh, Alistair." She drops her gaze.

Alistair sits once more beside her. He takes her hand in his. "Sol…" He lifts her chin and stares in to her eyes. "Does he know?"

"Would it change anything if he did? Would the blight go away? Would the archdemon die? Would he love me instead of…" She swallows her pain. "It changes nothing. My duty is to the Grey Wardens; all two of us." She tries to smile.

Alistiar pulls her in to his embrace. "I wish I could take your pain away. I've come to rely on your strength. It is time that you rely on mine. I will look after you the best I can. I promise."

Solona snorts. "Don't make a promise you can't keep, your Highness."

"Hey… I'm not king yet. Besides, who better to look after you?" He pulls back and wipes her tears using the scratchy sheet. "We'll figure this out." Alistair gazes in to her eyes. She looks up at him with such hurt, fear and hope. He swallows and lowers his lips to hers gently brushing a soft kiss. _Oh, this is so wrong._ He leans his forehead against hers. "I'm… I'm sorry."

_I'm not._ She shivers and closes her eyes. Her tongue nervously flits across her lips. "Me, too." She cups his face gently. "I'm afraid that if we…" She winces. "I'd simply be using you to forget my pain."

He smirks. "I would almost agree to that." _Mercy._

"I'd hurt you." His lips are on hers once more. She can feel how nervous he is. _Maker's breath. What am I doing?_ "Alistair…" She moans softly. His kiss deepens hesitantly.

Solona fights for control. His touch is more confident than she expects. She shivers with delight. He murmurs in her neck laying her back gently. Slowly he tugs the sheet away and looks upon her. His fingers slide across her swelling belly. She shivers at his touch. His look is so intense when their eyes meet again. He smiles gently. "I'll take care of you both."

* * *

><p>The Landsmeet was a political bashing of sides, those that stood with the wardens and those that stood behind Loghain. Eamon was concerned and rightfully so. In the end, all their efforts were rewarded as the majority agreed to support the Grey Wardens and crown Alistair their new king. Solona steals a glance at him as they talk strategy. She was never more proud of any king than she is of Alistair.<p>

The outlandish accusations thrown at the Grey Wardens by that lout of a pretentious general made her skin crawl. Then for him to single her out as using Alistair to further _her_ agenda was more than her temper could handle. Loghain refused to see reason, he refused to back down and when the challenge was brought it was Alistair who stepped in. It was Alistair that dueled with Loghain, it was Alistiar that defended the Grey Wardens, Ferelden and her and it was Alistair that put the dog down ending his tyranny and attempted coup.

Riordin's voice brings her back to the present. "I will take the killing blow to the archdemon. If I should fall, the duty will fall to one of you." Riordin looks from one Grey Warden to the other.

Solona shudders and nods vaguely that she understands. _This must be why so few women are willing to be Grey Wardens._ Her hands instinctively wrap around her. Alistair sees her movement and nods. "If you should fall, I will do it."

"You can't… you are our King-" Solona's protest is cut off by the piercing look Alistair gives her.

"I have made a promise. One I intend to keep. I am a Grey Warden… not just the future king." His look softens and he gives her a smirk. "Besides, what a way to go. Hmmm? Protecting the lives of my people. No one could fault me for that."

"You two should get some rest. We have a big day ahead of us tomorrow." Riordin dismisses them.

Solona nods numbly and feels her feet walking to the door towards her own chamber and yet she has no idea how she is managing this feat. She leans against the wall. Her stomach is in knots. "Sol?"

She looks up confused. "Huh, oh… sorry. Yes, Morrigan?" She smiles weakly feeling most of her power simply drained from her.

"A moment of your time? Please… it's quite important." Morrigan walks ahead of her in to her chambers. Solona's brow furrows. The last time something was important to Morrigan she had to face a dragon. She shivers.

* * *

><p>Her eyes are closed tightly, tears streaming unchecked down her cheeks. She grips the bed post as sobs tear through her. The confused look on his face as she spoke to him about Morrigan's proposition is something she never wants to relive again. The doubt, the disgust, the resignation and slump of his shoulders when he agreed to the ritual will haunt her forever. His parting words still ring in her ears. "It wasn't so long ago I thought my first time would be with you."<p>

Solona fought to control her emotions. She's been crying far too much lately. She really is a selfish woman. To subject her dear friend to a magic ritual involving impregnating a woman he despises is unthinkable yet she did it. How will he ever forgive her for asking him to do such a thing? To use his own words against him was beyond any decency, it was the ultimate betrayal. How much is she willing to lose? Her body belongs to the wardens. Her heart belongs to Teagan. She thought she had given everything she could. All that she had left was her friends, her morals and now… now she's even sacrificed those. There truly is nothing left.

* * *

><p>Solona feels exhausted. Her tears have dried some time ago. The room is cast in looming shadow as the fire fights to stay alive. Her chest hurts from crying, her eyes are sore and swollen. She sniffles, rubs her weary eyes and sighs while lying on her side staring at the embers still licking at the wood. A hand slips along her waist coming to rest on her belly. She stiffens. "Mmm, did I wake you?" His groggy voice is so welcoming to her she whimpers.<p>

"Alistair?" Her voice is hoarse. She's afraid to move, afraid she's dreaming.

"Afraid so." His hand is protectively holding her to him. She melts in his embrace.

"I thought you hated me." Fresh tears threaten to fall. She swallows hard fighting them back.

He rests his chin on her shoulder. "No, although I suppose I should be quite angry with you." He chuckles. "That Morrigan…" She cringes and he pulls her closer. "Hey, I know why you asked me to do this. I didn't at first. I'm still rather stunned over the whole ordeal but I do understand."

She leans back against him. "I had no right to ask you. It was so selfish of me."

"You know…" Solona looks over her shoulder at him. His face so close she can feel his breath against her skin. "I shouldn't have been a gentleman. I had the opportunity back in that cell…"

She gasps. "Alistair!"

He chuckles and brushes his lips against hers. "Get some sleep. We have a war tomorrow."


	7. Chapter 7

Alistair returns from speaking with Eamon. He has an anxious grimace on his face. "We're setting camp for a few hours. Try and get some rest. We will reach Denerim tomorrow."

Their group is set apart from the others. Intentional or not, they are always apart when traveling with others. Leliana glares at the dwarf. "Oghren! Leave Shmooples alone."

Oghren harrumphs. "Why? It's food. Not a blasted pet."

Solona watches as the wood is stacked. "Thanks." She tilts her head for a moment then starts the blaze easily. The fire bursts forth brightly before settling down to a warm and inviting glow. They gather around, setting up their personal spaces. Solona is feeling oddly out of place. She frowns at her doubts. These are still her friends.

Alistair hesitates for a moment before approaching her. "Sol, can we talk?"

She smiles up at him. "Of course." She notes a change in him. She lowers her voice. "Are you alright?"

"What? Oh… yes." Alistair's voice is distant and distracted. He scuffs his boot in the dirt and sighs. "No… I'm far from alright." He takes her hand pulling her back from the rest of the group. Confused, she follows him. He guides her for a while as he glances over his shoulder occasionally. Once they are some distance from the others he turns and looks at her, running his fingers through his hair nervously. "This is harder than I thought."

She shakes her head. "I don't follow."

He paces for a few minutes gathering his thoughts, with his back to her he stares at the distant stars. "Sol, we reach Denerim tomorrow. We may not fall to the archdemon and its final blow, yet there is a chance we won't even get that far."

Solona winces. "I know."

He approaches her, grinning awkwardly. "I care deeply for you. We've been friends all this time and truly, I have come to rely on you." Alistair stumbles over his words as they fade unspoken.

Solona's heart skips a beat and races to catch up. _Oh, Maker! Just don't profess your love. I don't think I can stand it._ She smiles suddenly nervous. "Alistair…"

He groans. "I know I'm making no sense." Alistair takes her hands. He presses his forehead to hers. "I'm sorry."

"There is nothing to be sorry for, Alistair." Solona voice is a hoarse whisper.

His hands slip to her hips. She lifts her lips to him. Her hands grip his waist, clinging to him. Slowly his lips meet hers. Their kiss is gentle and searching. He pulls her close against him. She whimpers. His tongue slips along her lips. She gasps parting her lips for him. Their kiss deepens. He moans his pleasure. "Sol…" His lips travel along her jaw to her neck.

She shivers. "Yes."

He groans growing very still. "Maker." He slows his breathing and looks her in the eyes. "I made a promise. I'll take care of you. I mean that. I won't go back on my word." He winces. "Eamon mentioned an heir. He…" Alistair chokes on the rest of his words.

_Oh!_ She caresses his cheek. "You'll need a proper queen, one that will give you an heir. The Theirin line must be protected. Never think for one moment I would believe myself even remotely appropriate to be considered."

"And you were worried about hurting me." Alistair sighs. "You really need some happiness."

_Kiss me? Take me? Make me forget my sorrows._ Solona laughs, though there is no humor in it. "Alistair, living through this blight will be happiness enough for me at this point."

"Well it's a start." Alistair grins. He gently presses a kiss on her forehead. "What I was trying to get at is I won't allow my future unnamed queen to treat this child the way Isolde treated me. He or she will not end up tossed aside in the Chantry."

"Oh!" Solona blushes deeply. "Thank you…"

"You are still in love with Teagan. I'm not a fool." Alistair lifts her chin meeting her gaze. "If I thought for one second that you could feel what I do…"

"Would you find it odd of me to admit I'd just like to be able to feel _anything_ right now?" She runs a finger along his lips. "I've been numb since Orzammar. Those broodmothers…" She shudders. "Hespith, Bhelen, Teagan…"

"Ugh, the broodmothers. Now there is something I could have lived my whole life without seeing." The bushes rattle some distance away. Alistair puts her behind him as he pulls his sword. She mentally reprimands herself for having left camp without her staff. Still she isn't utterly helpless. Alistair quietly pulls his shield from his back and readies his stance. A lone howl breaks the silence. Alistair sighs in relief lowering his sword and shield. Cully bursts through the brush knocking him on his backside. "Gah, Cully! You blasted slobbering menace."

Cully huffs at him standing with his forepaws on his chest. Alistair tries to push him off. Cully nips at his hand. "Ow! Okay, I'm sorry. I should have brought you with us."

Solona shakes her head at the spectacle. "Come here, boy. Leave poor Alistair alone."

Cully nudges Alistair's hand gently and hops off his chest. He barks happily wagging his stub of a tail. Solona kneels beside him and gives him a hug. "For a wardog, you're an awful big softy."

Cully whimpers. Solona hugs him tighter. "I wouldn't want you any other way."

Alistair smacks the pup on his hindquarters before standing. "Oh I don't know, he could be a bit less coddled."

Cully turns on him, lowering his stance baring his teeth with a deep growl. "Or not… coddled is good!" Alistair raises his hands backing up a step.

"There is a stream down this way, isn't there?" Solona peers in the darkness.

"I believe so. Your feet hurting again?" Solona sighs and nods. Alistair leads the way with Solona and Cully following behind. He parts the bushes, Cully darts out first barking excitedly. Alistair pauses and clears his throat. Solona looks at him curiously prior to looking past him at the shore. She leans her head against his shoulder with a heavy sigh.

Teagan is kneeling beside the stream petting Cully. He looks up at the two standing at the edge of the forest; he gives them a tired nod. Solona slips past Alistair to the edge of the stream. She pulls her boots off and wades ankle deep in to the cold water. She sighs softly enjoying the numbing affect of the cold.

Alistair hesitates. "Well then, you aren't alone, you'll be amply protected. I'm going to see about getting some food." He rubs his belly. "I'm famished."

Solona's eyes widen excitedly. "Oh, do you think we have any more of those little crackers?" She nods with anticipation causing Alistair to chuckle.

"I'll give a look, if so I'll put them on your bedroll." He nods cordially. "Teagan…"

"Alistair." Teagan nods back. It takes him a few beats but he eventually turns his attention to Solona. He takes a seat near the edge of the water. Cully prances in to the water, splashing about and stopping occasionally for a drink. "How are you, Sol?"

_Lonely._ Solona forces a smile. "I'm well, thank you… and you?"

Teagan shrugs. "Torn."

Her smile fades. She tilts her head. She speaks softy and nods. "I see." Her heart aches. _Why? Torn about what?_ She walks along the creek a bit refusing to ask.

"Seeing you again stirs up memories and old feelings. Ones I would react on if it weren't so immoral to do so." He watches her carefully stepping along the creek. Her robe hiked up out of the water up to her knees. The water slips smoothly over her feet, caressing her ankles. "Seeing you like this, so vulnerable, makes me want to react regardless of who I hurt in the process."

Hearing his words her knees go weak. Solona teeters in the water. She stares at him, open and unguarded. "Teagan…"

Teagan is up and to her in a blink. His arms slip around her waist. He pulls her body to him and he kisses her hungrily. Her fingers are intertwined in his hair. She pulls his lips to her, her hunger matching his. He lifts her off the ground backing slowly taking her with him, their lips never parting. "I try to be strong, Sol. Only when you are this near… I want nothing more than to be holding you, kissing you, and taking you as my own again and again."

She shivers in his arms. "Then tonight I am yours. Tomorrow we go to war and our separate ways."

He moans deeply. His hands sliding along her body and she stiffens with panic. He pauses. "Sol?"

"My body wants to give in so desperately. My heart is screaming to stop." Solona's eyes are closed tightly.

Teagan struggles and backs a step. "I… I'm sorry."

Solona shakes her head. "No, I'm sorry." She takes his hand and presses it to her belly. "I should have told you sooner."

Teagan looks at her confused at first. She chuckles and removes his gauntlets dropping them on the ground before placing his hands on her belly again. He feels the swell of her and his eyes widen. "Our…"

Solona nods slowly. "Ours…" He drops to his knees staring at her belly with awe. "I was told back in Orzammar. Wynne noticed before I had. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I was so excited and frightened." She shrugs. "I still am." He wraps his arms around her hips, pressing his cheek against her belly. "Your letter was waiting for me when we finally emerged from the deep roads. I've never felt so alone."

Teagan kisses her belly. "I had no idea." He looks up at her, confusion etched in his face. "Sol… I…"

"I couldn't tell you, Teagan. I didn't want you to stay with me out of duty." Teagan looks as if he wants to argue, she gently presses her fingers against his lips. "You made your choice. I accept that. Now I need you to be strong. I need you to be ready to take responsibility for our child. As a Grey Warden, I cannot raise her." Tears well in her eyes, "If I know our child is raised by you, with love…" Her voice chokes. "Alistair will be king. He's promised to look after her but I'd rather know she is being raised by you, if you're willing…"

"She?" Teagan stares at her belly. "How…"

Solona laughs. "I haven't a clue, truth be told. I say she one day, he the next because saying _it_ is just so heartless."

"What about the blight, the archdemon!" He shakes his head. "You can't go in to battle. Our child-"

"Will be fine and more protected than most on the battlefield." She cuts off his argument growing suddenly weary. "Have you seen the people that I travel with? They are each fierce warriors, mages and fighters. Each of them will protect me far better than you can imagine. I trust each of them with my life and the life of our unborn. Do not try to tell me that I cannot go to battle against the archdemon because you will not win that argument." She steps back out of his grasp.

He sits back on his heels. He rests his palm on her swell once again and sighs heavily. "The thought of losing…" He lets his head drop as well as his words.

"It's almost time to travel again. I need to get some rest. I will ask you again after you've had time to think on this. It is my hope that you are willing to raise our child." She walks around him and gathers up her boots. "Cully!" Cully stops in his tracks, water splashing all around him. He gingerly steps out of the creek shaking any loose water from him.

The walk back to their campfire is suddenly very long and very lonely. Cully silently weaves the path for her to take safely returning her to her companions. She pauses at the sight of Alistair. He turns and sighs in relief. "I was wondering if I should come back to fetch you." He holds out his hand. "I saved you some crackers!"

Solona chuckles and takes the offered crackers. Wearily she sits on her bedroll and nibbles on one. "Alistair…"

Alistair takes a seat beside her and munches on some cheese. "Hmmm?"

"He knows." She takes a shuddering breath.

* * *

><p>It took most of the morning and into the afternoon to gain access in to Denerim. The bulk of the darkspawn had dug in and spread out determined to keep them out of the capital. Riordin being the senior Grey Warden gave them strategic advice yet left the decision to Alistair and Solona.<p>

Solona spoke with the Dalish. They readily agreed to aid the alienage and the city elves. Alistair left the knights of Redcliffe at the front gates. The Legion of the Dead headed for the palace. The mages secured the market.

Riordin worked quickly and alone. Unfortunately he fell as he grounded the archdemon. His brave act gave Alistair and Solona the advantage they needed.

High above Denerim the wounded archdemon fought fiercely at the top of Fort Drakon. Such will and strength horrified Solona. She hesitated, wide eyed and whimpering at the sight of him. "How…"

She takes a step back finding she is stopped by a wall. She looks up realizing she's pressed against Sten. He quirks his eyebrow and looks pointedly at the dragon. His moves are deliberate and significant. He draws his sword, readies his stance. "Come, Kadan. The moment has arrived."

Alistair arrives moments after them, black blood of the darkspawn splattered and smeared across the majority of his armor, shield and sword. "You know from below, he didn't look so big…" He gives her a grin and nods at Sten. "For Ferelden!"

Oghren, Alistair and Sten charge in dodging claws, tail and beak as best they can. Wynne immediately begins her wards. Morrigan casts her spells. Cully stays beside Solona refusing to leave her side while she casts her own spells.

Zevran pauses taking in the situation. He gets a mischievous grin. "Leliana my sweet, will you give me a hand?"

Leliana lets an arrow go and turns her attention to him. "What can I help you with?"

Zevran points at the ballistae and they run towards the nearest one. Positioning the ballista takes what feels an unnecessary long time until he gets the hang of the gears. "Oh, I may hit-"

The archdemon lets out a roar and takes flight, or attempts to. The dragon is only able to lift perhaps 10 feet off the ground, yet it is enough for Leliana to let the ballista arrow fly gracefully through the air. The piercing scream echoes in their ears. Leliana gasps and staggers.

Zevran grins triumphantly. "I would wager, that hurt him."

They look dubiously at the large arrows opting to go to another ballista rather than attempt to reload the current one. Again and again, when the dragon tries to take flight, Leliana sends a ballista arrow to pierce him. They reach the last ballista. The archdemon's right wing is rendered useless; its left is pierced by a heavy ballista arrow. It rears its head letting out a scream of frustration. Leliana releases the last arrow. It skims along the underbelly, the metal scraping along its scales ripping most, slipping past others. She takes a deep breath. "That's the last. Let's go."

Leliana doesn't hesitate, she falls in pace with Zevran stopping just beyond the dragon's reach. Zevran slips under its wing brandishing slices with his dagger at its tender underbelly. The dragon is staggering in pain.

The men back away from the dragon. They are panting and injured. Solona steps closer to Alistair. She winces at Alistair's pain and sends him a healing spell followed by a rejuvenation. Alistair gives her an exhausted grin. He looks from Morrigan to Solona and grabs a firm grip on his sword. He presses the blade of his father to his forehead, closing his eyes briefly. Solona tries a vulnerability hex followed by a paralysis spell yet even in its weakened state the archdemon is able to shrug off her paralysis. "It's hexed! Now, Alistair."

Solona runs closer throwing any spell she can at it to distract it. The archdemon hazily raises its head letting out a scream that shakes her to her core. Thrashing its head searching for her, Solona boldly stands before it summoning a tempest of lightening to weaken it. "Sol!"

The archdemon's foot rises above her. She's fully focused on her spell so it doesn't veer off and endanger anyone else on the tower. Alistair runs with all he has gripping Maric's sword bringing it deep into its exposed neck. He turns and looks where Solona was standing but only sees the immobile foot of the archdemon. "No!"

Seething with rage and frustration, Alistair raises the sword over the archdemon and impales its head, sinking the blade to its hilt. The death of the archdemon is felt by all on the tower. The power held within its body streams in a bright beam of light that can be seen for miles. Alistair knows this is the moment. This is the moment every Grey Warden is prepared for. The soul of the archdemon will seek him out killing them both. He holds on to his father's sword, refusing to look away. The pain that rips through him causes him to throw his head back as a scream is torn from his soul until he collapses.

* * *

><p>Alistair pulls at his armor. The neck is a bit snugger than he'd like. He looks at it and sneers. It's a lot shinier than he'd like. He looks at his reflection and groans. It's a lot of gold and silver and…<p>

Alistair has a sudden urge to run. He glances towards the outer doors longingly only to be greeted by a low growl. He sighs. His shoulders droop. "Oh, like I'd get very far?" He rolls his eyes at Cully and walks slowly towards the double doors of the throne room.

He nods stiffly at the royal guards. They both salute before pulling the doors open for him to enter. Alistair stands at the entrance staring at the sea of faces and swallows hard. Cully huffs at his heel. "Right then…"

Alistair walks down the center of the room, his head held high as the crowd cheers for him. His steps do not falter. With each step he feels renewed and determined. He glances to his right looking for Wynne. She isn't there. Feeling silly he chuckles softly to himself before reaching the front of the throne room for his inauguration.

Alistair Theirin, the newly crowned king of Ferelden stands before his people gathered in the palace to witness this occasion. He feels humbled, awkward and suddenly very alone. He raises his hand to his people and bows his head respectfully before them. "My good people, we have fought hard to get where we are today. Many have sacrificed everything to keep Ferelden free. While this blight has ended, we must remain ever vigilant." Alistair pauses. A small smile graces his face. "Unfortunately our hero is unable to join us today. We owe her much. In her honor we shall celebrate our freedom as I know she would wish us to."

A far off pained look crosses his handsome face. He waves to all and steps away lost in thought. Eamon is quickly at his side. "Alistair, just hold on a bit longer, my boy… erm… my King."

Alistair chuckles, "Eamon, I'd be honored if you would stay in Denerim for a while. We both know I'm not the most political minded sort."

Eamon bows humbly, "it would be my honor."

There is a hushed urgency that ripples across the room. Voices of many begin to murmur excitedly. Alistair looks around expectantly. A side door is thrust open. Leliana bursts through the crowd coming to a skidding halt before him. Her face is beaming as she smiles up at Alistair. "It's a boy."


End file.
